I do love me the Oscars. Oscar trivia, Oscar pools, you name it! I used to run a pool in college. (I was the only person to pick Marisa Tomei for My Cousin Vinnie.) This is back in the pre-internet days, when all "movies" were just a series of crudely drawn flip books. (I told my dad this and he snorted. "We didn't even HAVE flip books! We just had to quickly walk from one cave painting to the next!")
Anyway, I decided to try something new (for me) and live-blog the Oscars tomorrow!
Join me for the pageantry! The dresses! The once in a decade occurrence were the Best Picture Oscar actually goes to the best picture!
See you on Sunday! Dress nice or Joan Rivers will make fun of you.
I have an iPhone. I love my iPhone. If you asked me to choose between my iPhone and 99% of the people I have met in my life, it was nice knowing you.
Sorry, Mom, but you didn't get me the Millennium Falcon for Christmas like I asked when I was six.
(Except you. You are safely in the 1%. You know who you are.)
I've had an iPhone for a few years, so this means I also have AT&T.
I do not love AT&T. If you asked me to choose between crab lice and AT&T, please pass the Kwell Shampoo.
"But, didn't they open up the iPhone to other carriers? Why don't you change?"
What a good question! What clever readers you are!
My iPhone was a few years old and ran super slow. Timex Sinclair slow. (Look it up, kids.) AT&T had a free upgrade! I'll take it!
AT&T: "There will be a one time upgrade fee of $18."
ME: "I thought the phone was free."
AT&T: "Yes, it's free."
ME: "But you're charging me $18."
AT&T: "Yes, but not for the phone. The phone is free."
ME: "You are charging me an upgrade fee because I got a new phone. You would not charge this fee if I did not get a new phone, therefore the phone is not free. It costs $18."
AT&T: "No, the phone is free!"
If you ever wondered about your cell phone charges, this is why. Free=$18.
Still $18<$200, so I got my "free" phone and a two year contract from AT&T.
When I signed up for iPhone, I got unlimited data. Unlimited means, well, unlimited. All the web surfing you could want, 'cause the iPhone is neat like that.
Well, one morning while streaming pornography reading the New York Times on my phone and pondering the issues of the day in a mature and sensitive fashion, I got a text from AT&T.
It seems that, at last, I am in the Top 5% of something. (Occupy me! Occupy me!) No, not income. Data usage. Since I had an Unlimited! plan, I foolishly assumed that I didn't have limits on my data usage. Oh no! Now AT&T threatens to "throttle" my data speeds - basically pinch the internet hose so that sweet stream of data is reduced to a trickle - unless I ease up on the browsing.
So technically, by data is still "unlimited," but unlimited data will now be processed by a 2400 baud dial up modem.
Comment, Inigo?
AT&T: Making the cable company look good by comparison.
On a recent school holiday, we took our friend and her seven year old son to the Museum of the Moving Image in Queens. This place is all kinds of awesome and we went mainly to worship at the shrine of Jim Henson. The horror obsessed boy had other ideas (telling us in no uncertain terms that the Muppets were a big waste of time) and wanted to see only the head spinning puppet they used in The Exorcist.
(A brief note about our friend's son: when we say horror obsessed, we mean obsessed. We've had to field more questions about the origins of Freddy Krueger than anyone on this earth aside from Wes Craven. But, we love the kid. He's lots of fun.)
Right next to the Exorcist puppet, (and lucky for us since we were there for a while) there was a display about Thomas Edison and his kinetescope films.
Now, I know it is a pastime for the old and sort of old alike to decry the state of entertainment that the youths of today enjoy. I mean, look at the internet! Countless hours wasted on pointless diversions, like stupid cat videos, like this one:
Sixty million people have watched this. My favorite sitcom was put on hiatus because it can't draw more than 4 million people a week. If only those troglodytes could learn to appreciate smarter humor, like back in Edison's day, when everyone wore a dinner jacket and dress pants to go to work at the factory.
(You know where this is heading, don't you?)
Presenting, one of the very first movies ever made! Shot by Edison himself at the Black Maria studios!
Yes, the one of the very first things ever committed to film was a stupid cat video.
Just give Transformers 3 an Oscar and let me go back to watching Wipeout.
Ah, the Big 80's sound! Takes me back to those awkward dances in junior high where you wanted to touch a girl, but were too scared to try too cool to bother.
Local station WPLJ has had an 80's themed Saturday night since I moved to New York. While waiting for My Lovely Wife in the supermarket parking lot, I tuned in. What was playing?
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to...
Taco? Puttin' on the Ritz? I LOVE THIS SONG! Car dance party! I had this on a K-Tel collection (on vinyl!) back in the day!
After an exhausting 90 seconds of seated rocking, the ads came on.
"Wow, that all natural remedy you told me about REALLY helped with my menopause hot flashes!"
Really? I'm in that demographic? Why not throw in a few ads for Depends while you're at it?
After the break, Springsteen came on. It was Cover Me, from the Born in the USA album. Sang along for a few bars, remembering that this was playing at one of those awkward junior high dances, when it hit me.
This song is 28 years old.
Some one born the year this song came out could now be hipster douchebag in Brooklyn, ironically Occupying Wall Street. (Can bongo drumming have air quotes?)
You know what? I'm feeling a little down right now. How about some music from They Might Be Giants to lighten the mood?
So, watching TV tonight (Yay New Year's resolutions!) and saw an ad for The Devil Inside. This is the latest crappy horror movie to use fake "found footage." (So if you needed another reason to dislike the overrated Blair Witch Project, there you go.)
I have no desire to see the movie, but what caught my eye was the declaration in the ad that The Vatican does not want you to see this movie!
I wish that the Catholic church would show an iota of humor and self awareness and issue a statement like this:
"The Vatican wishes, in no uncertain terms, to condemn the movie The Devil Inside. Our reasoning has nothing to do with any reasons related to Catholic dogma. Rather, it is an appalling cinematic abortion. (And you know how we feel about abortions!) Really, spend your $13 on tequila or something. (No, it's cool! Water into wine and all that. Just say a rosary afterwards) Anything. Just save your money and give us a little bit as a thank you for steering you clear. (No? Can't fault a guy for trying.)"
Another year has come and gone. And I am sure that many of you leave behind a pile of broken resolutions.
There are two words wrong on that hat...
"This is the year," we say! "I'm going to get into shape, and lose weight and write that novel!" All of which last until about 3 PM on New Year's Day because you're so hungover from the night before you eat a breakfast of Doritos and cold pizza
Why set ourselves up for failure? I know myself by now. I've been around a few years. I know by now that dramatic change is not probable.
Yet each year, now is the time! And each year, failure, feeling bad about it, more Doritos, etc.
Maybe next year...
So, guess what? I'm lowering my sights! I am going to shoot for achievable resolutions! Serenity now!
1. Watch more TV
There are still a few Law & Orders I haven't seen! And I got Breaking Bad for Christmas! Plus there are 63 different marathons on New Year's weekend! I think I'll go with The Walking Dead.
Since this is how I usually feel on New Year's morning.
Prognosis: Achieved by Jan. 2nd!
2. Eat more cheese
And by cheese, I mean real cheese, i.e. has once been inside a cow or a goat.
Sorry, nacho cheese. You don't qualify.
Prognosis: We have port cheddar and fig goat cheese for breakfast tomorrow! Done and done!
3. Revel in joy!
Carpe diem! Live life to the fullest! Embrace the now!
But... what will I write about?
Prognosis:
"Now don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad..."
As my first year of sporadic blogging draws to a close, I'd like to thank you all for reading and giving me an outlet to share my ramblings.
As a special holiday gift to you all, I would like to share with you some excerpts from a new story that I wrote to help celebrate the magic of Christmas. (We're looking for a publisher, so if you have any contacts let me know!)
It's called "Syndy, The Elf Who Saved Christmas." The alternate title is "The Greatest Gift of All."
One day at the North Pole, Syndy the Elf noticed that everyone was feeling a little down. No one was making toys and everyone was in a right poopy mood.
Syndy walked up to Tinker the Elf. He was Santa's head toymaker, and he was sitting on a rock.
"Tinker, what's wrong? Why is nobody making toys?"
Tinker sighed. "Because Christmas is cancelled."
"What?!?"
"It's pointless. Kids are so greedy. They get something and then they break it or forget about it. All that work, and for what?"
"But... children love Christmas! Even if the gifts get broken, it reminds them that someone loves and cares enough about them to send them one."
"Oh, who cares? Poop on Christmas!"
Syndy thought for a minute. What could she do to change this grumpy elf's mood?
Then it came to her.
"You know, Tinker, there's something I do that makes people happy even though it can be a lot of work. People love to get it, even though they sometimes forget about it soon afterwards. But I never forget how it makes them feel to receive it."
"What's that?"
"Let me show you."
Syndy led Tinker to a spot behind the reindeer stable. As he leaned against the wall Syndy knelt down and unbuckled his..."
(My Lovely Wife: Wait. You are seriously writing a Christmas story where the heroine saves Christmas by orally servicing the elves? We are going to get hate mail. People don't like sex on Christmas.
Me: What? It's all about the joy of giving! The spirit of the season! And Christmas is all about a birth!
MLW: (Muttering) Another Christmas of this....)
Tinker was re-energized! He could see how selfish he had been. Christmas was all about the joy of giving. Syndy cared enough to give him a precious gift. With her mouth!
Tinker thanked Syndy and ran back to his workshop. The other elves noticed how invigorated he was.
"What happened?" asked Buttontop. "Did you get into Santa's secret cookie stash? Did you empty the candy cane forest again?"
"No! I received a magical gift!" Tinker proceeded to tell all the other elves about the Christmas miracle that Syndy had performed.
Soon, Syndy was being approached by a lot of depressed elves who, like Tinker, didn't want to make toys for Christmas anymore.
"Well, don't worry! I have a gift for all of you! Form a line over here..."
(My Lovely Wife: Really? A Christmas whore? An elvin Christmas whore?
Me: She's just trying to save Christmas! By the way, have you done all your Christmas shopping yet? Hint hint...
MLW: I'm going to stuff something in your stocking....)
Soon the North Pole was working at peak capacity. Santa couldn't believe it. When he found out why the elves were so happy and productive, he called Syndy into his office to thank her personally.
"Syndy, your selfless and generous actions have saved Christmas."
"Oh Santa, thank you!"
"And as a reward, you are now going to be The Spirit of Giving Elf."
Syndy couldn't believe it! She had always wanted to be a special elf.
"I want you to pick some of your elvin friends who feel the same way about giving as you do. Then we're going to set all you up in a special elf house, trimmed with peppermint sticks and red lights, where you and your friends can help give out your special gifts all year long."
"Thank you! Thank you, Santa! How can I ever repay you?"
"Well, sometimes I get a little depressed around the Holidays..."
(My Lovely Wife: No. No no no. Santa is not setting up a brothel at the North Pole. He is not cheating on Mrs. Claus with an elf hooker. You are getting coal.
Me: She is not an elf hooker. She is the living embodiment of the Spirit of Giving!
MLW: I see how you think that sounds good in theory, but people who "embody the spirit of giving" like that don't usually get the credit they deserve for spreading such "happiness".
Me: But that's the moral of the story!
MLW: Well, ho ho ho. Now that I think about it, he must have at least three Syndys.
Me; There are a lot of elves.)
In all the years that followed, Syndy and her friends gave many gifts. And every elf appreciated them. Let this be a lesson that we should all appreciate the gifts we receive, as they are all given in the spirit of love.
Publishers, email me today and start the bidding war!
