Follow by Email

Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Resolutions

Another year has come and gone. And I am sure that many of you leave behind a pile of broken resolutions.

There are two words wrong on that hat...

"This is the year," we say! "I'm going to get into shape, and lose weight and write that novel!" All of which last until about 3 PM on New Year's Day because you're so hungover from the night before you eat a breakfast of Doritos and cold pizza

Why set ourselves up for failure? I know myself by now. I've been around a few years. I know by now that dramatic change is not probable.

Yet each year, now is the time! And each year, failure, feeling bad about it, more Doritos, etc.

Maybe next year...

So, guess what? I'm lowering my sights! I am going to shoot for achievable resolutions! Serenity now!

1. Watch more TV 

There are still a few Law & Orders I haven't seen! And I got Breaking Bad for Christmas! Plus there are 63 different marathons on New Year's weekend! I think I'll go with The Walking Dead.

Since this is how I usually feel on New Year's morning.

Prognosis: Achieved by Jan. 2nd!
2. Eat more cheese

And by cheese, I mean real cheese, i.e. has once been inside a cow or a goat. 

Sorry, nacho cheese. You don't qualify.

Prognosis: We have port cheddar and fig goat cheese for breakfast tomorrow! Done and done! 

3. Revel in joy!

Carpe diem! Live life to the fullest! Embrace the now!

But... what will I write about?


"Now don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad..."

Happy new year to all! 

Sunday, December 25, 2011

A New Christmas Story

As my first year of sporadic blogging draws to a close, I'd like to thank you all for reading and giving me an outlet to share my ramblings.

As a special holiday gift to you all, I would like to share with you some excerpts from a new story that I wrote to help celebrate the magic of Christmas. (We're looking for a publisher, so if you have any contacts let me know!)

It's called "Syndy, The Elf Who Saved Christmas." The alternate title is "The Greatest Gift of All."

One day at the North Pole, Syndy the Elf noticed that everyone was feeling a little down. No one was making toys and everyone was in a right poopy mood.

Syndy walked up to Tinker the Elf. He was Santa's head toymaker, and he was sitting on a rock.

"Tinker, what's wrong? Why is nobody making toys?"

Tinker sighed. "Because Christmas is cancelled."


"It's pointless. Kids are so greedy. They get something and then they break it or forget about it. All that work, and for what?"

"But... children love Christmas! Even if the gifts get broken, it reminds them that someone loves and cares enough about them to send them one."

"Oh, who cares? Poop on Christmas!"

Syndy thought for a minute. What could she do to change this grumpy elf's mood?

Then it came to her. 

"You know, Tinker, there's something I do that makes people happy even though it can be a lot of work. People love to get it, even though they sometimes forget about it soon afterwards. But I never forget how it makes them feel to receive it."

"What's that?"

"Let me show you."

Syndy led Tinker to a spot behind the reindeer stable. As he leaned against the wall Syndy knelt down and unbuckled his..."

(My Lovely Wife: Wait. You are seriously writing a Christmas story where the heroine saves Christmas by orally servicing the elves? We are going to get hate mail. People don't like sex on Christmas.

Me: What? It's all about the joy of giving! The spirit of the season! And Christmas is all about a birth!

MLW: (Muttering) Another Christmas of this....)

Tinker was re-energized! He could see how selfish he had been. Christmas was all about the joy of giving. Syndy cared enough to give him a precious gift. With her mouth!

Tinker thanked Syndy and ran back to his workshop. The other elves noticed how invigorated he was.

"What happened?" asked Buttontop. "Did you get into Santa's secret cookie stash? Did you empty the candy cane forest again?"

"No! I received a magical gift!" Tinker proceeded to tell all the other elves about the Christmas miracle that Syndy had performed. 

Soon, Syndy was being approached by a lot of depressed elves who, like Tinker, didn't want to make toys for Christmas anymore. 

"Well, don't worry! I have a gift for all of you! Form a line over here..."

(My Lovely Wife: Really? A Christmas whore? An elvin Christmas whore?

Me: She's just trying to save Christmas! By the way, have you done all your Christmas shopping yet? Hint hint...

MLW: I'm going to stuff something in your stocking....)

Soon the North Pole was working at peak capacity. Santa couldn't believe it. When he found out why the elves were so happy and productive, he called Syndy into his office to thank her personally. 

"Syndy, your selfless and generous actions have saved Christmas."

"Oh Santa, thank you!"

"And as a reward, you are now going to be The Spirit of Giving Elf."

Syndy couldn't believe it! She had always wanted to be a special elf.

"I want you to pick some of your elvin friends who feel the same way about giving as you do. Then we're going to set all you up in a special elf house, trimmed with peppermint sticks and red lights, where you and your friends can help give out your special gifts all year long."

"Thank you! Thank you, Santa! How can I ever repay you?"

"Well, sometimes I get a little depressed around the Holidays..."

(My Lovely Wife: No. No no no. Santa is not setting up a brothel at the North Pole. He is not cheating on Mrs. Claus with an elf hooker. You are getting coal.

Me: She is not an elf hooker. She is the living embodiment of the Spirit of Giving!

MLW: I see how you think that sounds good in theory, but people who "embody the spirit of giving" like that don't usually get the credit they deserve for spreading such "happiness".

Me: But that's the moral of the story!

MLW: Well, ho ho ho. Now that I think about it, he must have at least three Syndys.

Me; There are a lot of elves.)

In all the years that followed, Syndy and her friends gave many gifts. And every elf appreciated them. Let this be a lesson that we should all appreciate the gifts we receive, as they are all given in the spirit of love. 

Publishers, email me today and start the bidding war!

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! Joyous Yule!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Nog On This!

Blog fight!

So my friend, the Cordon Bleu chef, cheese columnist for the Globe and Mail, and food blogger has decided to tell ME how to make egg nog.

She has a lovely recipie involving eggs, cream, and other natural ingredients. The idea is to make your own so you don't have to buy an overpriced carton that will sit in the back of your fridge until Valentine's Day.

Fah, I say!

If you want homemade nog that will get you through a holiday full of family encounters, let me share the secret creation that has been passed down through the ramblings of hobos the generations.

(You may want to bookmark this for easy access during Christmas.)

  • 1 bottle of Coffee Mate Liquid Egg Nog flavored coffee creamer

  • 1 bottle of dark rum

Mix well. Drink until you feel the holiday spirit or at least you can tolerate your family asking about when you're going to get a real job, find someone nice to settle down with, or go back to school. 

And that is what Christmas is all about. It's in the Bible, right after the part where Mary asks Balthazar for a gift receipt for the myrrh.

UPDATE: My Lovely Wife has her own recipie for holiday cheer:
  • Take one egg nog latte from Starbucks.
  • Add Bourbon.
  • Drink
  • Repeat
UPDATE UPDATE: My Lovely Wife has told me leave her out of my weirdness. Sorry, that ship sailed 12 years ago. Love you!