tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40568507662312947322023-11-16T04:55:57.507-08:00You've Stopped TryingSignposts on the Road to DevolutionVictor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-36713401363530635552013-08-27T06:38:00.001-07:002013-08-27T07:03:25.186-07:00A Reminder to My Fellow Mets Fans...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">I'm the face of the franchise! Who cares about "forearm stiffness?"</span></i></div>
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Do you know why you feel<a href="http://mlb.si.com/2013/06/19/matt-harvey-zack-wheeler-debut-mets-braves-doubleheader/"> joy</a>? So despair feels that much <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/baseballinsider/2013/08/a-franchise-altering-day-for-ny-mets-as-matt-harvey-likely-lost-for-2014">worse</a>.<br />
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But at least <a href="http://www.bloguin.com/theoutsidecorner/2013-articles/august/mrs-met-stuns-serena-williams-with-miracle-win.html">Mrs. Met </a>can still play! Right? Right?<br />
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Oh good, football season starts next week. I can watch Michael Vick throw twice as many picks in Chip Kelly's fast paced offense. Yay. <br />
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Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-27096942878371480362013-02-24T17:02:00.001-08:002013-02-24T21:03:57.172-08:00Oscar LIve Blog: The Bloggening8:00 Welcome to the live blog! Here we go with Kristen Chenoweth. I guess she still has a few years on that <i>GCB </i>contract to work off.<br />
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8:05 Adele looks like the 50 ft woman next to Kristen.<br />
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8:06 Clooney has the distinguished beard. He's a serious Hollywood player now! No more models for him. Kidding!<br />
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8:07 Echo! Echo! The ABC tech crew is not winning a sound emmy so far.<br />
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8:12 Oh good, crappy ads for crappy ABC shows. "How to Live With your Parents..." Brad Garrett should have saved his Raymond money better.<br />
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8:13 Anne Hathaway says that her whore haircut was the worst part about doing Les Miz. Oh, poor dear! Have an Oscar, make it all better.<br />
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8:15 How racist is this? Kelly Rowland and Robin Roberts have only interviewed the African American attendees. Keep striving, Kelly. One day you too can talk to Jennifer Aniston.<br />
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8:18 My Lovely Wife has returned home. The first thing she asked: "Why is Kristen Chenoweth wearing a Kim Kardashian hairdo? Why does she look Jack Skellington did her makeup?" Missed you last year, honey!<br />
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8:21 Oh boy! The Oscar producers! Every year, they promise Excitement! Zazz! Flash! Every year, no. It's a bunch of self important people giving themselves awards. You can only do so much with it.<br />
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8:23 Blonde ABC lady is showing us us the Oscar table. Close as you're going to get.<br />
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8:24 Hey, remember when Renee Zellwegger was cute?<br />
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8:25 Oh my god! They're letting a black lady talk to the white hostesses! Go Queen Latifah! This is better than when The Help ended racism last year!<br />
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8:27: MLW: "Oh good, they toned down Kristen's eye shadow."<br />
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8:28: Hey, remember all the hits that ABC put out last year that they advertised non-stop on the Oscars? Good Christian Desperate Housewives rip off? Ashley Judd, FBI agent? No? I don't think any made it past 13 episodes. Red Widow, welcome to the club!<br />
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8:30: And we're off! Here's Seth MacFarlane! Take a drink every time he tries to offend the crowd by being "edgy."<br />
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8:31 Also, drink every time they lie about a billion people watching this. You'll be unconscious by 9 PM.<br />
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8:32 Oh, poor Ben Affleck didn't get nominated! It's so hard being a handsome millionaire married to Jennifer Garner.<br />
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8:34 Good job finding Roman Coppola in the crowd. I don't even think his Dad could find him that fast.<br />
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8:35 Drink! Chris Brown - Django Unchained joke!<br />
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8:36: Drink! Mel Gibson's voice mails were the basis for the Django script.<br />
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8:37: Drink! A billion are watching!<br />
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8:37 And the ham plane has landed! Here's Shatner!<br />
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8:38 "Boob song." I think this is an example of stupid at first, but gets better through repetition. Can't quite tell if the actresses are embarrassed or just playing the bit.<br />
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8:39 Oh right. MacFarlane thinks he is an unironically good singer.<br />
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8:40 Charlize Theron can actually dance pretty good.<br />
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8:40 MLW disagrees. She loves the boob song. What do I know?<br />
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8:41 I would watch the full length sock puppet version of Flight.<br />
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8:42 The show tunes are starting to win me over. Gordon Levitt can't sing all that well, but charm carries the day.<br />
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8:45 Ok, loved the Sally Field bit. Especially the Smokey and the Bandit pay off.<br />
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8:46: Offically tired of show tunes now. Congratulations! You've done in 15 minutes what Les Miz couldn't do in 2 hours and 45 minutes.<br />
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8:47 Best supporting Actor! All have won before, so no one can be bitter. This is the closest race of the night. Jones will probably win for Lincoln. I'd go with the always delightful Christoph Waltz.<br />
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8:48 I loved De Niro in Silver Linings. Captured the delusions of the Eagles fan very well. Too well. Sigh...<br />
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8:49 The winner is Waltz! Slight upset, indicates the Lincoln train has gone off the rails a bit. He is fantastic in Tarantino films. Other movies, not so much. (Green Hornet, anyone?)<br />
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8:55 Who dressed Melissa McCarthy in a green sack?<br />
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8:56 Oscar awards banter: Where comedy goes to die.<br />
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8:57 Animated short? That's what that was leading up to?<br />
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8:58: Paperman! That movie was delightful. It was probably that or the Simpsons one, since those were the only ones anyone saw.<br />
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8:59: Animated feature! All these movies were good, but I'd love to see Tim Burton win.<br />
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9:00 Brave. Of course. Wasn't a top shelf Pixar movie, but still good. Nice to see the director in a kilt. It's scottish, get it?<br />
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9:01 Meet the nominees! We're just going to throw the three most unsimilar films together! Broadway musical Les Miz! Magical Realist Life of Pi! Indie darling Beasts of the Southern Wild! These are all films!<br />
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9:03 These couldn't get their own intro? We need time for more songs!<br />
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9:04 Quevenzene Wallis is the youngest nominee ever. Welcome to the high point of your entire career as an actor. You're nine.<br />
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9:05 Plus, I don't have one. Sigh.<br />
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9:05 Drink! Clooney likes 'em young!<br />
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9:07: Cinematography! Life of Pi wins. He has longer hair than the Hugo cinematographer had last year!<br />
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9:08: Too bad that Roger Deakins didn't win. He always does amazing work for the Coen Brothers. He's been nominated something like 9 times with no wins.<br />
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9:09 Visual effects! Avengers was awesome, but it's more likely to go to a Best Picture nominee like Life of Pi.<br />
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9:10: Life of Pi! Magical realism is magical! Our cat likes the pretty tiger.<br />
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9:11: MLW: "They're really crawling up Ang Lee's ass, aren't they?"<br />
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9:12 Cute, they're playing them off with the Jaws music. Oscars are nothing if not subtle.<br />
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9:16 A wig rack! Guess it's time for costumes and make up!<br />
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9:17 Channing Tatum has won me over. Which is no mean feat after having to sit through GI Joe on a plane.<br />
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9:18: Best Costume! This usually means most costumes. I'd pick Anna Karenina...<br />
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9:19: And it is Anna Karenina! Period costumes, epic tale, train suicides... everything you want in a movie.<br />
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9:20: Make up! It had better god damn not be Les Miz. The zombies from Walking Dead thought the down trodden poor in that movie were over the top.<br />
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9:20: Les Miz? Are you fucking kidding me? They'd laugh those appliques out of the room on Face Off.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Do you hear the people eat? Eating the brains of angry men...</i></span></div>
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9:22 Bond. James Bond. Bond is the ultimate male fantasy. Secret agent, beautiful women, cool cars, travel the world, neat gadgets... It's like having unlimited credit at the Sharper Image.<br />
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9:24 And don't forget the softcore opening credits!<br />
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9:25 Shirley Bassey!<br />
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9:26 Oh, I was excited until she started to sing.<br />
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9:27 Memories: I played a vibraphone solo on a James Bond medley in high school band. "Nobody Does it Better." Actually, I remember botching it up, so really anyone could have done it better.<br />
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9:28 MLW: "Shirley, stop touching your boob." Oh, I missed you baby.<br />
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9:29: MLW: "I thought she was great."<br />
Me: "Really? I didn't like it. She was flat."<br />
MLW: "You can't sing. How would you know?"<br />
Still glad you're home.<br />
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9:30: Wikipedia says Shirley is 76. So, I take back some of my vitriol. Still didn't care for it.<br />
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9:31: My Lovely Wife: "This is God mocking me! I have cramps and no Oscar!"<br />
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9:32: MLW: "Kerry Washington is so pretty! I hate her!" I'm just going to transcribe her comments from now on.<br />
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9:33 Short films! Time for you to get a snack!<br />
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9:33 Curfew wins! They actually had the nominees stashed in box near the stage so it wouldn't take eight minutes to get to the stage.<br />
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9:35 Documentary short! You know, it would be great if they could spend 10 seconds describing what these docs were about. I'm trying to guess at the subjects based on 3 seconds of footage. King's Point looks like it's set in an old folks home. Open Heart is about heart surgery, I guess. Innocente wins, and I have no clue what it's about. Homeless artists, based on the acceptance speech.<br />
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9:36 Liam Neeson! Takes great restraint to not make a dick joke. I'll <a href="http://liamneesonscock.tumblr.com/">outsource</a>.<br />
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9:38 Three more nominees! At least these seem to be more thematically linked. The political thriller Argo, the political drama of Lincoln and the terrorist hunt of Zero Dark Thirty.<br />
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9:41 Drink! John Wilkes Booth was really able to get inside Lincoln's head!<br />
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9:43 And here comes Affleck! OK, it's too bad he didn't get nominated for Argo, but come on! Hollywood's acting like that snub is the greatest crime in the history of recorded time.<br />
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9:45 Documentary Feature! Searching for Sugar Man wins! The crew that made Man on Wire wins again. At least these get a wider release so I don't have to guess as to what they're about. Seems like a fun movie about a soul singer who becomes world famous in South<strike> America</strike> Africa.<br />
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9:47 The Jaws music comes back. Can we ease up on that? I understand we need to make room for the song from Ted later, but this is the most public acclaim these guys are going to get. 10 more seconds of "thank you" would kill you?<br />
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9:50 MLW: "Why is Jennifer Garner wearing a tube top?"<br />
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9:51 Foreign Film! I'd like Canada to win for War Witch, (Yay Canada!) But Amour is going to win.<br />
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9:52 And the tender story of an 85 year old couple slowly dying together wins. Every review I've heard of Amour says "Wonderful film. I never want to see it again."<br />
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9:53 The orchestra is playing at a remote location? Really? Why on earth do that?<br />
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9:54 Travolta is here! Which massusse drew the short straw?<br />
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9:54: Movie musicals! The cast of Les Miz! Oh, they brought Russell Crowe.<br />
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9:55 On the pantheon of bad movie singing, Russell was at least better than Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia. Not a high bar to cross, but still...<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>So everyone who said Russell Crow sucked can shut up. </i></span></div>
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9:57 I loved Chicago. Dreamgirls was OK. Jennifer Hudson's a great singer, but Effie's song doesn't make a lick of sense. "I am telling you, I'm not going...except right now when the song ends." Eddie Murphy was the best part of that movie. Too bad Alan Arkin and Norbit conspired to rob him of an Oscar.<br />
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9:58 Jennifer's great, but not even she can save Smash. (Tuesdays on NBC! See it while you can!)<br />
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10:00 "One Day More!" One of my favorite musical songs ever. I was annoyed that they made a hash of it in the movie. It's so epic, yet it felt so tiny in scope on the screen. Plus, you know, Russell Crowe.<br />
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10:01: Hugh Jackman! I accept that if Hugh Jackman came to the door, he could take my wife and there would be nothing I could do to stop him. And I couldn't even get mad, because he's Wolverine.<br />
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10:02: Why did they cast Kermit the Frog as Marius?<br />
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10:02 This sounds so much better than the movie version did.<br />
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10:03 Hugh Jackman. He sings. He dances. He's Wolverine. He's ripped. I wish I could hate you.<br />
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10:04 I saw Les Miz in Toronto on 1989. The Playbill had an ad in it back then: "Coming next year: Les Miserables! Directed by Alan Parker!" Only off by 22 years and a director.<br />
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10:05 Kristen Chenoweth is now the Fairy Godmother of Royal Caribbean cruises. As My Lovely Wife says, "Why bother paying for a celebrity spokesperson? Just say that at least we're not the Poop Cruise."<br />
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10:08 Star Trek hosts the tech awards! MLW likes Zoe Saldana's dress. I like what's inside the dress.<br />
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10:10: The obligatory Ted appearance. The effects aren't bad. But the orgy joke isn't going anywhere.<br />
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10:12 Sound Mixing! Lez Miz loses because you could hear Russell Crowe. (All right, last one.)<br />
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10:13 Les Miz? Really? Now you're just trying to annoy me.<br />
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10:14 MLW is still annoyed at the casting of Howdy Doody as Marius in Les Miz. She'd rather have had Daniel Radcliffe.<br />
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10:15 Sound Effects! A tie! How dramatic! Too bad it's in a category no one but the nominees cares about.<br />
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10:16 Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall! Not quite as dramatic as Striesand and Hepburn tying for Best Actress in '68, but still...<br />
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10:18 Chris Plummer! Ok, the Sound of Music gag was great.<br />
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10:19 Supporting Actress! If it's not Anne Hathaway, drink the rest of the bottle.<br />
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10:20 Hathaway! She was good, but she stuck out like a sore thumb in the work house scene. She's so gorgeous in her pink dress, you can understand why the rest of the workers hated her. (See: MLW's comments about Kerry Washington.)<br />
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10:21 As MLW says, "Whenever pretty girls ugly up, they get an Oscar."<br />
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10:22 MLW: "Anne Hathaway acted the shit out of that song."<br />
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10:23 My Lovely Wife has just informed me that she would like to be referred to as My Beautiful Wife. Done and done.<br />
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10:24 Hey orchestra! Dare you to play Anne off with the Jaws theme!<br />
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10:25 Why did they play her off with the Godfather theme? Is that next year's big musical?<br />
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10:29 Goody, the Academy President. He's promising us an Academy Museum where you can see how movies are made. We have <a href="http://www.movingimage.us/">one of those already</a>. New York wins again!<br />
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10:31 Props to Seth. He's a better host than I thought he would be. He's sold the jokes well and seems to be enjoying himself. And the only Nazi joke so far was in the context of Sound of Music, so youget a pass.<br />
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10:32 Editing! Fun fact: It's rare a best picture wins without getting an editing nomination. Argo wins here, giving it's chances a lift.<br />
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10:33 It's surprising how little love Lincoln has gotten. This was considered the dominant front runner when the nominations came out, but it's really petered off. It hasn't won anything yet. Day Lewis is still a lock, but I would not be surprised if it didn't win anything else. Maybe everyone woke up and realized how dull it was. (Aside from James Spader. He was fun.)<br />
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10:36 Can't hear Adele over the music so well. It's all right. I've heard SkyFall about 50 times so far. Great Bond theme, best Bond movie in ages. MBW disagrees, thinks the song is just OK. Marriage is all about communication and negotiating disagreements.<br />
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10:38 I thought we were going at a good clip, but then I realized we have 4 more songs to get through. Erg.<br />
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10:43 The last three nominees! These also have a common theme! Love against all odds! Old age (Amour)! Bi-Polar Disorder (Silver Linings Playbook)! Slavery (Django Unchained)!<br />
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10:45 I've actually seen a few nominees this year, and unlike last year I want to see most of them! Django was exciting fun (though not as good revisionist history as Inglourious Basterds and it dragged in the third act once two of best characters got killed.)<br />
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10:48 Production design! Oh please not Les Miz. The barricade, so impressive on the stage, looked like they threw together two tables and a chair from an Ikea sale.<br />
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10:49 Lincoln! WE'RE BACK ON TRACK!<br />
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10:50 They did make the White House look impressively uninhabitable and drafty. Still liked Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter better.<br />
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10:51 Salma Hayek's neck jewels are pretty. "That's her dress!" says MBW.<br />
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10:52 I'm glad that D.A. Pennebaker got an award. Amazing career. And Hal Needham! And my wife loves Jeffery Katzenberg. Good choices all around. (Too bad you never deigned to give Pennebaker an award for his documentaries.)<br />
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10:54 A note on Les Miz: While I made a lot of jokes about it tonight, I really did enjoy it. I cried in all the right places, Hugh Jackman is fantastic. I point out the flaws because I love.<br />
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10:55 MBW: "So what? You cried during the Muppet movie last year. Hey why don't the Muppets host next year?"<br />
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10:57 Faces of Death! Who got snubbed this year?<br />
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10:58 Ralph McQuarrie, thank you for designing all of my childhood dreams. (And, honestly, most of my adult ones.)<br />
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11:00 I forgot Ray Bradbury died! Damn!<br />
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11:01 And Babs comes out to sing Memories to honor Marvin Hamslich.<br />
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11:03 MBW says that Gilda Radner has thankfully ruined this song for her. All she can think of Lisa Loopner singing this now.<br />
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11:06 Down the stretch we come! Depending on how much of the song from Chasing Ice we have to sit through, we may get done before midnight.<br />
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11:08 Set introduces the cast of Chicago "because the show wasn't gay enough." Hackiest joke of the night.<br />
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11:10 What on earth happened to Renee Zellwegger? It looks like someone punched both of her cheeks and made her eyes swell shut.<br />
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11:11 Best score! MBW & I both think Life of Pi.<br />
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11:12 Life of Pi! Richard Gere tried to let Renee read the winner, but she couldn't open her eyes wide enough. Good thing Queen Latifah jumped in, or we'd have to start playing the Jaws music again.<br />
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11:13 Best song! We aren't going to hear the three songs that have no chance of winning?<br />
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11:14 ScarJo, you are very pretty and surprisingly good in Avengers. I don't think singing is your strong suit.<br />
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11:15 If Skyfall loses, chug that bottle you didn't chug when Anne Hathaway wins.<br />
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11:16 I don't even remember there being a song in Ted. And it got nominated? I don't understand the song category at all. They didn't nominate Springsteen for the Wrestler? But this pastiche song gets in?<br />
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11:17 Skyfall! Adele is halfway to an EGOT! She'll get the Tony when the Adele jukebox show hits Broadway in 10 years.<br />
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11:18 So weird when they cut to the orchestra in their bunker. Might as well be in the compound in Zero Dark Thirty.<br />
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11:21 If I count right, we're down to 6 awards. Yay!<br />
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11:22 Screenplay! I hope Moonrise Kingdom wins. I loved that movie. (So did MBW). Some people get down on Wes Anderson's movies. "Oh, they're such artificial constructs!" Hey guess what, genius? EVERY MOVIE IS AN ARTIFICIAL CONSTRUCT! IT'S A MOVIE!<br />
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11:24 Adapted Screenplay first: Argo wins! Good sign for it's best picture chances. I was fairly certain Lincoln would win. Honestly, Life of Pi should have. The book is 300 pages of a kid in a lifeboat with a tiger, and it's amazing. To make a movie out of that is incredible, especially one that isn't just "Scene 23: FOCUS ON Pi in the lifeboat." and repeated 20 times.<br />
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11:26: Original screenplay: Tarantino! I really liked Django, even though it is the most violent movie he's ever done and that's saying something. Maybe Wes Anderson should have used the N-word more in Moonrise Kingdom.<br />
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11:27 Tarantino stopped the playoff music! You cannot stop Tarantino from talking. No one can.<br />
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11:28 MBW: "Dustin Hoffman is so adorable! He should have been in the Hobbit!"<br />
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11:30 Tim Burton in the Samsung Tablet Ad. I'd rather see Zombie Unicorn Apocalypse than his Alice in Wonderland movie again. (Wonderland II: Electric Boogaloo!)<br />
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11:32 I'm now legitimately curious who wins best director. Spielberg was the heavy favorite, but Lincoln really has had no momentum. Ang Lee? David Russell? I loved Silver Linings Playbook, but that is really more an actor's movie.<br />
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11:33 Still surprised that Benn Zeitlin beat out Affleck. If he was nominated, he probably would have won easily.<br />
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11:34 Ang Lee! Still annoyed he didn't win for Crouching Tiger. He may be the first man to win twice, yet have neither film win best picture.<br />
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11:35 Now I'm wondering if Day Lewis can hang on to best actor. The way the voting has been going, you'd think the confederacy was counting the votes.<br />
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11:37 Making jokes about the length of the Academy Awards is the last refuge of the hack. You were doing so well, Seth.<br />
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11:38 Surprised I've only seen one promo for Brad Garrett's horrible new sitcom. Maybe they learned their lesson from drilling Ashley Judd's catch phrase ito us last year. "I am not FBI! I am a mother looking for her son!"<br />
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11:40 Hey remember when the Artist swept Hollywood by storm last year? No? If the Artist came out this year, do you think it would even have gotten nominated? The films are so much stronger this year.<br />
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11:41 Best Actress! The favorite is Jennifer Lawrence. I thought she was great. It Would be cool is Quavenzene won. Take that Oscar to Show & Tell tomorrow. "I brought a frog!" "Yeah, I brought a FUCKING OSCAR!"<br />
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11:43 The winner is Jennifer Lawrence! Use the Oscar to kill your rivals in Hunger Games 2.<br />
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11:44 Oh my god look at that dress! Kate Middleton's wedding gown was more discrete. No wonder she tripped on it!<br />
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11:45 "This woman needs no introduction." And he didn't introduce Meryl Streep. Good job!<br />
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11:46 Best Actor! Last year, I said that Bradley Cooper had arrived because he got to do his awful Christopher Walken impression in the preshow. This year, Oscar nomination! Do not doubt the power of my blog! KNEEL BEFORE ME HOLLYWOOD!<br />
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11:47 This award belongs to Lincoln, but Hugh Jackman strapped Les Miz to his back and carried it through the sewer to safety. I'd love to see him win.<br />
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11:48: Day Lewis! Did Meryl open the envelope? I didn't even see her do it! Fix! Fix!<br />
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11:49 First actor to win three leading Oscars.<br />
<br />
11:50 So, our most iconic president: played by a Brit. Our most iconic super heroes (Superman, Batman, Spider Man): all played by Brits. TAKE BACK WHAT IS OURS!<br />
<br />
11:51 Best Picture next! Argo is still the favorite, but it's only won 2 oscars so far. It's a pretty deep field and they've spread it around pretty well. Based on what's already happened, I'd say Life of Pi has a good chance of an upset.<br />
<br />
11:52 Michelle Obama and Jack Nicholson! Even though he's 75, they still kept her far away from him. 3000 miles far.<br />
<br />
11:53 I haven't seen all the pictures. Of the ones I have my favorites are Silver Linings and Django. (Haven't seen Argo yet.) Unlike last year, none have made me roll my eyes. (War Horse! Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close!)<br />
<br />
11:55 Remember when Spielberg used to direct fun movies? Like Jaws & ET & Raiders of the Lost Ark? Instead of grubbing for Oscars for the last 20 years? (Of course, should Spielberg read this, we meant "directing important films that change the world.")<br />
<br />
11:56 Argo! Oh thank goodness that nice Ben Affleck got to take something home! Otherwise the universe would have cried out in injustice.<br />
<br />
11:58 Of course Argo won. It's a movie about how Hollywood helped saved the hostages, Yay Hollywood! We're great!<br />
<br />
11:59 Would have been nice if he thanked Kevin Smith. Ah well.<br />
<br />
12:00 And we're done! Overall, not a bad show. Not too many grievous mistakes. Not a bad job by Seth MacFarlane. I didn't even get drunk on fake outrage! Good job!<br />
<br />
12:01 Oh, we're not done? One more song. Come on guys...<br />
<br />
12:02 Come on, credits...hurry up</div>
</div>
Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-42466528154609376672013-02-23T12:54:00.002-08:002013-02-23T12:54:57.366-08:00Oscar Live Blog II<div style="text-align: left;">
Having awakened from my blog hibernation, it's time to live blog the Oscars! This was fun last year, so what better way to honor Hollywood than to have a pointless sequel? </div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Sigh... Miss you , Liz.</i></span></div>
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It will be great! Although I will be working right up to show time, so I may miss all the Hitler jokes Seth MacFarlane crams into the monologue.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Pop culture reference... Nazi joke... Smirk... Still better than Billy Crystal!</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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So join us at 8:30 for all the fun. And forced frivolity. And awful musical numbers. And self important people congratulating themselves. Good times! </div>
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See you then!</div>
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Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-60936017858346858982012-12-22T07:08:00.000-08:002012-12-22T07:08:10.680-08:00My Secret Identity"I can see your beard!"<br />
<br />
"Of course! Everyone can see my beard!"<br />
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"No, your black beard!"<br />
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The small child on my lap is very excited. He has peeked behind the Christmas curtain and seen the backstage workings.<br />
<br />
Or he is just being a brat. I can't decide which.<br />
<br />
About a year ago, My Lovely Wife got us a Christmas gig as Santa & Mrs. Claus. It must be fate. I once played Santa Claus in a school choir performance years ago in junior high. The teacher wanted someone to play Santa while the choir sang, and <i>literally everyone</i> turned to look at me. I was a somewhat chubby kid, but my lovely wife says it's because I'm extra kind (<i>In fact I just typed this part - Mrs.Claus</i>). To quote Arthur, the young janitor in <i>Miracle on 34th St., </i>"The costume didn't have any padding, and I got my own padding." Mom and Granny were tickled by my performance, and it seemed to go well. My lines were non-existent I popped out from behind a chimney and put some toys in stockings. I had to laugh and shake my little belly, like a bowl full of jelly. Then laying a finger on the side of my nose, behind the chimney I rose. (Kudos to C. Clement Moore this is part of my new book "Confessions of a 7th grade Santa.)<br />
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The party from last year also seemed to go well, since they invited us back. My Lovely Wife says ( she's typing this right now) it's because we really love kids and love to give out and buy toys for them as much as the Clauses. Plus you can see both of us actually CARE when we are talking to them and taking pics with them. It's about the spirit of the man in the red suit ,more than just a party Santa.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>I am the all-seeing Santa! I see all and know all! Yes, especially when you do that.</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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For the most part, being Santa is quite an easy job. I get paid quite well to sit. On a throne. And supplicants are brought before me. I can see why dictators and the royal family find this appealing. </div>
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And most kids are overjoyed! They run at me and leap onto me and hug me. (Leaping can be problematic. My Lovely Wife played the Easter Bunny at a mall in New jersey long ago. She couldn't see a thing out of the eye holes, but she could hear a voice shout "I'm heavy!" Then she heard the tromping of running feet. Then she went bunny tail over tea kettle as the heavy child slammed into he and her chair. Then she was stuck on her back, more Easter Turtle than Easter Bunny, with all of the Easter balloons and decorations falling down around her.) Some of them are just so tickled to meet Santa! </div>
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Lots of them need coaxing. Even though they have been talking to their parents for months about what they want for Christmas, the minute they seem me, they forget everything - even their names. Pretty much the way my wife would act if she ever met Hugh Jackman. </div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>My wife says"Take your shirt off Santa Wolverine-Gaaaaah...."</i></span></div>
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We chat with the kids and try to take a picture, then the big question. <i>Have you been good this year?</i> A lot of the kids who are terrified of Santa start to look really worried. Some of them have been Santa'd into submission with warnings that <i>Santa's watching! </i>It's a horrible way to use the jolly fat man, but My Lovely Wife said it was something that really worked on her sister - almost too well. Some kids are scared for a reason, because they are getting COAL. And my sister-in-law got some EVERY year because she was on the naughty list for a while. But we tell them if are nice till Christmas, it still counts. We want them all to have a very happy holiday and not to be scared of Santa. We want them to know that the holiday spirit is very real and exists in us, the embodiment of all things jolly and joyous, Santa and his Lovely Wife Mrs. C.<br />
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Next, the minions must ask for tribute, like in Game of Thrones. "Winter is Coming- the list is long." The tiny, clinging supplicants who climb on my lap must dictate their terms of enrichment. And the bounty most sought for in the land? TOYS! TOYS! TOYS!<br />
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This is where my lifelong obsession with toys comes in handy. Do you want a doll? (Yes.) What kind? (Either Barbie or American Girl. Buy stock in <a href="http://www.americangirl.com/index.php">American Girl</a> dolls. Practically every girl who sat on my lap wanted an American Girl doll.) A stuffed animal? Do you want video games? Xbox or Playstation? (Buy stock in Nintendo. Kids love the <a href="http://www.nintendo.com/3ds">3DS</a>.) Happily, all the staples of my childhood were still popular: Tonka trucks, Hot Wheels, and Lego. (Before Lego got a Star Wars license, they made a generic <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lego_Space">Space Lego</a> that was always my favorite.) </div>
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Of course, not all the kids love Santa. Some are afraid of me. (There's a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Scared-Santa-Scenes-Terror-Toyland/dp/0062204580/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356130283&sr=1-2&keywords=scared+of+santa">whole book</a> about it.) And that's really more funny than sad. Why are you scared of Santa? He wants to give you presents! I'm nice! (Although it is ironic that protective parents tell their kids all year <i>"Don't talk to strangers! Don't take candy from strangers!" </i>And then they see me at a party and they cannot wait to throw their children at the strange, bearded man with a deep voice and funny clothes handing out candy canes.)<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>C'mon, kids! Santa's in the van! Really!</i></span></div>
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It's so cute to see a little boy plant his feet in the ground, lock his knees, and <i>refuse </i>to be dragged any closer to Santa. Honestly, it would hurt my feelings if it wasn't so darned cute. It's less cute when the child is placed kicking and screaming on my lap. Let's just say that most Santa costumes don't come with a protective cup.</div>
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Mrs. Claus and I always tell the parents to take the picture, screaming or not, since it's still a memory worth preserving. My very favorite picture from Christmas as a child is of me and my little brother sitting on Santa's lap at the mall. My brother looks to be maybe 18 months old, which puts me at around 5 years. In the photo, I am counting off my items on my fingers, all business, most likely asking for Star Wars stuff. (<a href="http://youvestoppedtrying.blogspot.com/2011/11/sparkle.html">So much has changed</a> since then!) My brother is screaming. He is screaming so loudly that it looks as though he is trying to unhinge his jaw like a boa constrictor trying to swallow a cow. To me, that photo is the Spirit of Christmas in miniature. </div>
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There is a third group of kids, the slightly older ones who are a little too cool for the whole Santa business. You know the ones. They look for any slip of the beard. Any inconsistency, "You don't sound like the Santa I saw yesterday.""Are you really Santa?" I suppose it's karma, since I was exactly that kind of brat as a kid. And you just haven't lived until you try and debate the metaphysics of Santa Claus with a six year old. The elves are at the North Pole. They build the toys. Well, they are very good at making Kindles. Magic, that's how. Yes, Santa is everywhere. Just like Jesus. Just leave out chocolate chip cookies for me, all right? And carrots for the reindeer.<br />
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Which brings us back to the start of this post. At about hour 2.5 of a 3 hour party, my mustache started to wilt. Now, no one yanked it off, while screaming "LIAR!" I was sitting next to a space heater, and the combined effects of sweat and children siting on my beard caused it to droop. I tried to cover it as best I could while resetting my bobby pins, but one or two kids were telling me they saw my real mustache under the white one. Coal for you!<br />
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These are minor speed bumps. The kids are great, and it is amazing to be a part of someone's Christmas memories. There were also face painters at the party and one of the kids got a Santa beard and glasses painted. "I can help you do deliveries!" he said. That's a better gift than the the Blu-Ray player I asked Mrs. Santa for for Christmas.<br />
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It's fun to believe in Santa. Even when you're grown up and don't anymore, it's fun to remember the excitement you felt as a child. When you could believe in something good and magical.<br />
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<i>(Like Santa Wolverine! - Mrs. Claus)</i><br />
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Merry Christmas!</div>
Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-60464754229134870412012-12-21T13:36:00.000-08:002012-12-21T13:36:55.488-08:00Back in businessSo, apologies for the hiatus. Work and life conspired to push blogging to the background. But, I'm back with many new things to vent about.<br />
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Stay tuned for updates, including a special holiday themed post later today.Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-85115492576572200492012-09-03T16:26:00.000-07:002012-09-03T16:26:50.424-07:00Get Your Ass to MarsOne of the last true explorers passed away last week.<br />
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I'm late to the party on this, and just about everything there needs to be said about it has been said. But I will add my small piece.<br />
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Armstrong's family has asked that when you <a href="http://www.csmonitor.com/Science/2012/0831/Astronauts-family-remember-Neil-Armstrong/%28page%29/2">"see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink."</a><br />
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Not to contradict his family, but I would argue that the best possible way we could honor Mr. Armstrong would be to follow the advice of Mr. Schwarzeneggar.<br />
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Let's get our asses to Mars.<br />
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My Mom grew up in the space age. She grew up reading Robert Heinlein and dreaming about living on the moon. I grew up in an age where our grandest missions were to resupply the international space station and circle the earth a few times. NASA's been facing cutbacks for years, finally shutting down the Space Shuttle program, and I can't help but think that it's directly tied to our lack of ambition. If we're only going 242 miles up, how is that going to inspire anyone? New York to DC is 242 miles. Amtrak can get you there is 3 hours. (Fucking AMTRAK! C'mon NASA! Amtrak is kicking your ass!)<br />
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And I don't think that the public's appetite for space travel has waned. Look how excited we all got when the Mars Rover Curiosity landed this summer! Pictures were taken! Internet memes were spawned! <br />
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When we put our minds to it, we got a man on the moon in ten years. 43 years later, that's as far as any person has gone. <br />
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I am a liberal Democrat, and I think Newt Gingrich is a bloated toad, but he did say <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/newt-gingrich-promises-moon-base-flights-mars-reality/story?id=15449425#.UEPTBnGA_Jw">one thing</a> I agreed with on the campaign trail. <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Gingrich offered his vision of an ambitious new space program. "By the
end of my second term," Gingrich said, "we will have the first permanent
base on the moon and it will be American." The crowd erupted in
applause. </i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>
And he was just getting started; by 2020, he said, there would be regular flights to Mars.
</i></blockquote>
<br />
Of course, he was probably just pandering to the Republican voters on Florida's space coast in an attempt to woo those who had lost work once the Space Shuttle shut down.<br />
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What's that, you say? Oh, Mars would cost too much? How about we divert $50 billion out of our current defense budget? That only leaves $650 billion left to defend ourselves with. I'd much rather we fund a trip to Mars than another 10 year adventure in Afghanistan or Iraq (or a brand new one in Iran).<br />
<br />
So let's get to it. Let's christen the USS Neil Armstrong and get going. I want a Mars landing by 2022. I want footprints on Mars, not tire treads. You want to talk about uniters and dividers? Then this country should unite and get someone on Mars. <br />
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And then start the lunar colony. There's still time for Mom to have her Moon Condo to retire to.<br />
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(Because she's not moving to Florida. She hates Florida.)Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-72337107207576610422012-09-02T14:19:00.001-07:002012-09-02T14:19:06.247-07:00Do Not WantI love baseball. (Despite the best efforts of the Mets.)<br />
<br />
I love Clint Eastwood movies. (This love of his films continues in spite of him <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/01/jon-stewart-clint-eastwood-romney_n_1848979.html">losing a debate to a chair last week</a>.)<br />
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<a href="http://www.gossipbeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/eastwood-chair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="270" src="http://www.gossipbeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/eastwood-chair.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Get off my lawn, you smart assed chair!</span></i></div>
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Any Adams is cute as a button. Even when she's trying to be all South Boston tough in <i>The Fighter</i>, she still adorable. She's been great in just about everything since Enchanted. (What? No, that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdvpR8r2aGw">Amelia Earhart</a> thing never happened.)<br />
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So why do I have no interest in seeing this movie whatsoever?<br />
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Probably because it's not going to be about Clint or baseball or Amy Adams' adorable nose. It's going to be about baseball as a metaphor for life. It's going to use baseball as a wrapper around a treacle-filled family drama. It's going to use the <i>Field of Dreams</i> trope about how baseball will bring dads and kids together, And Amy Adams looks like she going to be spending the movie in a full on concerned pout.<br />
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Also, it's about the Atlanta Braves. God, I hate the Braves and their stupid tomahawk chop. (Really, you're going to sell me on the fact Clint discovered Tom Glavine? I wouldn't slow my car down if Tom Glavine crossed the street in front of me.)<br />
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Clint, you're 82. Sadly, you aren't going to be with us that much longer. Why take a chance that this could be your last movie? Why have the last image of you in the public's eye be this, the chair debate, and your <a href="http://www.eonline.com/shows/eastwoods">wife's awful reality show</a>?<br />
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C'mon, Clint! Get to work on <i>Unforgiven 2: Still Unforgiven</i>! Bill Muny's back and he's still cranky! Sure that would suck, but at least it would be entertaining. At least I could watch that on HBO and not be tempted to turn to <i>Real Sex 324</i> on HBO6. <br />
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Like everything else in life, I could be wrong about this. It could be a masterful family drama.<br />
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But I'll never know. Because I'm not watching it.<br />
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PS: Braves suck. Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-14225413690587634052012-08-25T13:36:00.004-07:002012-08-25T13:36:58.764-07:00Night MovesImagine your typical street fair. Ok? Now make it ten times as crowded. So crowded you can barely move forward.<br />
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Add about three times the number of stalls in a block. Now, instead of it going for five or six blocks, imagine it going for about a square mile.<br />
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Oh, and add a fierce powerful stink.<br />
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Now add a man with no left hand banging his head on the ground and people paying to get knives swung at them.<br />
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Welcome to the Shilin Night Market in Taipei!<br />
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Taipei is known for its night markets. They are everywhere, and you can get just about anything at them. And I mean anything. Hundreds of vendors sell clothes, toys, food, shoes, bags, music and other services.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Check it out! <a href="http://new.hulu.com/shin-chan">Shin Chan</a> boxer shorts! $3 US in the market. If you know the cartoon, you can sing the Man Song with me. </i></span></div>
<br />
Like massages.<br />
<br />
No, not full release. Unless the "release" is your arm from your shoulder because the knife massager got a little frisky.<br />
<br />
Yes, knife massage. One of the booth offered "Alien Knife Massage." Their banner claimed (in English) that "Aliens were at the Shilin Night Market!"Apparently offering massages.<br />
<br />
You sat in a massage chair, putting your face against the headrest. Someone would stand behind you and then <i>whack the sharp edge of a knife against your back</i>. I guess the aliens knew just how much force to use so it would loosen you muscles, but not cleave them off your back. And they were doing a good business, too!<br />
<br />
Across the way there was another massage booth. In this one, they wrapped a towel around your head and then whacked at you with what looked like a bundle of kitchen matches. Okay.<br />
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<br />
Each market is known for something, and Shilin is known for the variety of food it sells. Unfortunately, to my western nose, it smelled quite awful. Honestly, it smelled like deep fried vomit. (My Lovely Wife told me that it was likely the stinky tofu I walked by. Truth in advertising.)<br />
<br />
Look, I'm sorry to be the ugly American. I was born near Philadelphia, land of scrapple. I am not one to talk. But, wow, the smell was unappealing. And not recognizable. So many stalls had odd looking cuts of meat and I had no idea what they were,<br />
<br />
Most of the signs in Taipei are in Chinese and English. Not in the market. Most of the food stalls were Chinese only. So, the odd looking chunks of meat remained a mystery. I took that as a sign. If they didn't want the foreign devil to know what he was eating, the foreign devil was not about to find out the hard way. (I walked through a dried good market the next day that had a barrel of big, dried, caterpillars. Thank you, no.)<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Mmmm... Caterpillars...</i></span></div>
<br />
So, I stuck with my tapioca pearl bubble tea. ($1 US!)<br />
<br />
The place as a whole is quite ovewhelming. The noise is constant. The smell is everywhere. The people crush against you. And you can see some disturbing things.<br />
<br />
One night as I walked in there was a man banging his head on the ground, very rapidly and without stop. He had no left hand. I'm not sure if it had been amputated or if it was congenital. He had a bowl in front of him, so I guess he was abasing himself and begging. He didn't say anything, just beat his head on the pavement. It was sad and disturbing. And not something you'd see in Times Square. At least not on a Monday.<br />
<br />
Nothing quite like the night market.<br />
<br />Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-85560713724859348602012-08-23T21:05:00.000-07:002012-08-23T21:05:55.412-07:00The Best Worst Meal<i>You've been gone a while! What do you have to say for yourself???</i><br />
<br />
Well, following in my <a href="http://youvestoppedtrying.blogspot.com/2011/11/most-expensive-cup-of-ass-juice-in.html">father's footsteps</a>, I have discovered the wisdom of getting your employer to pay for you to go on vacation.<br />
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<br />
I recently returned from a trip to Taipei, Taiwan, where I was <strike>enjoying a week of sightseeing and volcanic hot springs</strike> representing my employer at a very important conference. Taipei had never been on my 1000 places to see list, but as long as someone else was paying I was going to find exciting things to do there. And there were many interesting things to see and do there, as I will tell you in a post to come.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, good food wasn't one of those things. <br />
<br />
Now, since I have extolled the virtues of <a href="http://youvestoppedtrying.blogspot.com/2012/04/restaurants-that-i-am-glad-are-not.html">gravy shakes and bigoted chicken</a> in the past, you might expect my standards to be somewhat low. And you'd be right. So ponder that for a minute. How bad would something have to be to make me say, "Damn, this is bad!"<br />
<br />
Pretty bad, that's how bad. <br />
<br />
We were staying at a glorified hostel in the north part of Taipei (<a href="http://chientan.cyh.org.tw/eng/">which was actually very nice</a>). Unfortunately, it was not near any restaurants. It was near the Shilin night market, which had many interesting sights and smells - most emanating from street carts of strange food - but precious little english translation. I was in no hurry to snack on something I could later find out was duck penis, so I gave it a pass.<br />
<br />
After getting back from a late night at the conference, two of my co-workers decided to go to the fancy hotel across the street for dinner since nothing else was open.<br />
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<br />
The hotel looked stunning, both inside and out. It was a very grand style of hotel (quite literally a <a href="http://www.grand-hotel.org/main/default.aspx?lang=en-US">Grand Hotel</a>), something straight out of the fifties, but gone slightly to seed.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">The inside of the Grand Hotel. The artistic dutch angle is due to the artistic Mai Tai I was served.</span></i></div>
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The restaurants also looked beautiful. Unfortunately, they were all closed by 9:30 PM. The only one open was the lobby cafe, which looked fine. The menu was largely American Diner style, and - important! - there was alcohol. We have a winner!<br />
<br />
We sat near the window of the hotel, which afforded a marvelous view of the valet parking.<br />
<br />
The staff was friendly, but they seemed somewhat nervous about serving English speaking Americans. They seemed quite nervous about getting everything <i>exactly right.</i><br />
<br />
The menu had a lot of wine and alcohol. I ordered a <a href="http://allrecipes.com/recipe/mai-tai/">Mai Tai</a>, having loved them ever since finding a Waikiki Beach bar that offered them for 99 cents at happy hour. However, the drink I was served was not a Mai Tai. Oh it had rum. Not dark rum, but rum. And Hawaiian Punch. So, props for creativity, but no. Not a Mai Tai. Oh, I drank it. (Did I mention the rum?)<br />
<br />
My friends ordered a bottle of wine. The staff made a big show out of bringing the bottle and uncorking it. Such a big show that I started to worry my friends might grab the bottle away from the server and uncork it with their teeth. She offered the cork to sniff, but the cork was rubber. This made the whole sniffing the cork part of the operation superfluous. (You sniff the cork to determine if the bottle has suffered cork rot. Rubber corks do not get cork rot.) It was as if they had seen a movie about wine, but never actually served it. <i>They smelled the cork in the movie...we should do that too, right?</i><br />
<br />
We ordered a plate of Asian Delicacies for an appetizer. (Hey, that's what they called them.) We discovered that this was a plate of heavily fried bite sized morsels. A couple spring rolls. Some indeterminate fish bites. Over all, not as good as what you'd get at PF Chang's.<br />
<br />
My friend is a vegetarian. She ordered a Croque Monsieur, and somehow managed to convey to them that she wanted the ham left off. Out came a triple decker grilled cheese sandwich. Made from barely singed Wonder Bread, two slices of slightly warm American cheese, and a whole lot of chutzpah.<br />
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It also came with french fries. These weren't too bad. However, we had also ordered a plate of fries for the table so we had a mountain of fries. Which was good, since the Asian Delicacies were a little rough going down.<br />
<br />
After the pound of fries, I finished off my "Mai Tai," so I tried to order a Jack Daniels and Coke.<br />
<br />
I would like to again stress that the Taiwanese are very gracious and accommodating hosts. All of the street signs are in English as well as Chinese. Most menus and storefronts are Chinese & English. Most of the staff in the more tourist friendly destinations speak at least a few words of English. (Which is at least a few more that I can speak or even attempted to learn.) Still, if you understand Jack Daniels and you understand Coke, I don't see why mixing the two would be a problem. It apparently was. Asking for a Jack and Coke caused such a look of panic on our host's face that I was afraid he would stroke out. I changed my mind and instead asked for Jack Daniels on ice. (Asking for it "on the rocks," well that's just asking for trouble.)<br />
<br />
So after a delectable meal of fried foods and warm bread, we were sitting and chatting when a new party arrived on the scene.<br />
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A three inch long cockroach.<br />
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And <i>boy </i>could it move!<br />
<br />
One of my dining companions saw it from across the lobby, and by the time she finished saying <i>"Oh my god look at that!"</i> it had made it over to the side of our table.<br />
<br />
Well, bills were paid in record time. The total for this wonderful experience was 3000 Taiwanese Dollars, or about $100 US for some french fries, a crappy grilled cheese, and a bottle of OK wine.<br />
<br />
Expereiencing international hospitality...<i>Priceless!</i> <br />
<br />
Still, we had a great time during this meal. It provided no end of humor during the rest of our stay.<br />
<br />
And it made the Big Mac I had in Taiwan that week all the more tasty. (Especially the fries! How come I have to go to Taiwan to get hot McDonald's fries?)Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-92140560465058280382012-08-21T05:16:00.000-07:002012-08-21T05:16:06.011-07:00But I want it!So there's this ad that's been on all summer. It starts off as an ad for something called the "Carm Sleeve."<br />
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But! In a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan (At least, <i>The Village</i> era M. Night) it turns out that it's a plug for a website called BigSpot.com! "Doesn't this product suck? You can sign up for consumer surveys and tell them that at BigSpot.com!"<br />
<br />
Ha ha ha! Stupid Carm Sleeve!<br />
<br />
But, I love the Carm Sleeve!<br />
<br />
I spend a lot of time driving, and by driving I mean crawling along in New York traffic. It's nice to get some sun while trying to get by the summer lane closures by rolling down the window.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I can TOTALLY see the wisdom in a protective shield for your outside arm. I sport a farmer's tan all summer, and if you look at my left arm you'd think I had mediterranean heritage! My right arm, not so much. If someone were to make one, I'd get one for the car! (After all, My Lovely Wife once bought antlers and a red nose to put on the car at Christmas.)<br />
<br />
So screw you, BigSpot.com! I know where you can stick that Carm Sleeve.Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-20522457742721154162012-07-12T21:28:00.003-07:002012-07-12T21:28:47.482-07:00News-Like SubstanceMy Lovely Wife and I are fans of Aaron Sorkin's new show, <i>The Newsroom, </i>which follows the inner workings of a cable news show hosted by studiously bland anchorman played by Jeff Daniels. He has a Howard Beale moment at a college lecture which goes viral, inspiring him to do a newscast that actually does informative news rather than reports on the new iPhone. Plus, Sam Waterson plays the crusty producer!<br />
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I'm a bit suprised I've enjoyed it so much. Aaron Sorkin has always been a little hit or miss for me. I've never seen an episode of <i>West Wing</i>, <i>SportsNight</i> was OK, <i>Studio 60</i> was god awful (although he had the good humor to parody himself on an episode of <i>30 Rock</i>). </div>
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His movie work (<i>Moneyball </i>& <i>Social Network</i>) has been fantastic.</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Best. Breakup. Line. Ever.</i></span></div>
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The common thread in all of his work is that the characters are consumed with their work. They are working on <i>very important things </i>and <i>why can't you understand that?</i> Sometimes those things are important - like running the free world. Sometimes, not so much - like a wacky <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZoJQhkQedU">Gilbert & Sullivan sketch comedy bit!</a> </div>
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At his best, Sorkin gets you inside these very specialized careers and makes you care about the minute details - like Billy Beane working the phones to make a trade for a middle reliever. My mother cares not a whit for baseball, but she was captivated by <i>Moneyball. </i></div>
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At his not best, you find yourself going, so what? Why should we care about that?</div>
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Suprisingly, to me, a lot of critics have found this more on the "<a href="http://www.eonline.com/news/328988/newsroom-hate-grows-and-so-do-ratings-not-to-mention-justin-timberlake-s-admiration">not best</a>" side of things. </div>
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"<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maureen-ryan/the-newsroom-review-aaron-sorkin-hbo_b_1609544.html">Manipulative!</a>" "<a href="http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/06/24/2865631/hbos-the-newsroom-a-shrill-sour.html">A high octane blend of arrogance and contempt!</a>" </div>
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Sniffed the <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/television/2012/06/25/120625crte_television_nussbaum">New Yorker</a>, "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">The Newsroom treats the audience as though we were extremely stupid"</span></span></div>
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Yeah, what kind of news organization would do that?</div>
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This is the cover of the Daily News from last Sunday. There are five stories on the cover, but only one could be called news. They are:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>TomKat's Divorce</li>
<li>Mets & Yankees win</li>
<li>Spider Man movie review</li>
<li>Alec Baldwin's wedding</li>
<li>Con Ed lays off 8,000 as contract talks falter</li>
</ul>
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And the Con Edison news might be slightly imporant, what with New York in the grip of a two week heat wave and every AC unit going full blast. It's in the smallest type. </div>
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And this is widely considered the BETTER of our two tabloids. The New York Post has been a hack comic punchline for decades.</div>
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Apparently, the news media is not fond of a show that points out that the news is run by a bunch of idiots who would rather feed people gossip than information. Someone doth protest too much.<br />
<br />
Maybe not surprisingly, Dan Rather has given Newsroom some of its best reviews. (You know, an actual newsman who had to put up with this stuff on a nightly basis.) He thought the last episode concerning the network president trying to have the news desk soft peddle a critique of the Tea Party because she had business before congress hit very close to home. He called it <a href="http://gawker.com/5924306/dan-rather--the-newsrooms-third-episode-is-even-better-than-the-first-two-episodes-i-enjoyed-so-much">"something every American should see and ponder."</a><br />
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But, you know, we could just read about the latest in the TomKat saga! Scientology! Secret apartments! What? <a href="http://bostonglobe.com/news/politics/2012/07/11/government-documents-indicate-mitt-romney-continued-bain-after-date-when-says-left/IpfKYWjnrsel4pvCFbsUTI/story.html">Bain Capital?</a> What's that about?</div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-65604826272484082602012-06-30T13:00:00.000-07:002012-06-30T13:00:38.756-07:00Quality TelevisionObviously, <a href="http://www.starz.com/">Starz</a>, this is why I am paying you $12 a month.<br />
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<br />
You can't get me <i>Captain America</i> or <i>Thor</i>, but <i>Jack and Jill</i> you can get.<br />
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In fact, <i>Jack and Jill, </i> I blame you for TomKat's divorce. Katie realized life was too short too carry on a charade after having her soul sucked out by Adam Sandler in this movie.<br />
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At least you carry the epic cheese fest that is <i>Spartacus</i>.Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-47557192098673143362012-05-30T14:49:00.000-07:002012-05-30T14:49:09.776-07:00Apparently, our definitions of "amusement" are very different.<i>A short play...</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>MY LOVELY WIFE:</i> Hey, guess what my friends at work told me?<br />
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<i>ME: </i>What?<br />
<br />
<i>MLW: </i>They heard from their friends over at (Rival Amusement Park) that they're going to build an <i>Avatar</i> ride!<br />
<br />
<i>ME: </i>Wow, that sounds cool!<br />
<br />
<i>MLW:</i> I know, right? That movie was so beautiful. You could go up the floating mountains, ride on those dragon things...<br />
<br />
<i>ME: </i>Have sex with the cat people!<br />
<br />
<i>MLW: ...</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>ME: </i>What?<br />
<br />
<i>MLW: </i>Why would you say that?<br />
<br />
<i>ME: </i>What? You didn't think Zoe Saldana was cute as a cat lady?<br />
<br />
<i>MLW:</i> It's Disney! Do you really think Disney would include cat sex as part of their million dollar ride?<br />
<br />
<i>ME: </i>What? It's an amusement park ride. That would amuse me!<br />
<br />
<i>MLW (muttering): </i>You know, they say there are lots of gators in the swamps down here...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.filmfetish.com/wp-stuff/fetish_uploads/2009/10/avatara.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="http://www.filmfetish.com/wp-stuff/fetish_uploads/2009/10/avatara.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">I mean, come on! Why am I the bad guy here?</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-9328411692411295562012-05-26T18:57:00.001-07:002012-05-30T16:35:48.165-07:00Taxonomy & ShameDear <a href="http://www.cicispizza.com/">Cici's "Pizza",</a><br />
<br />
Although it is round, has a crust, and you pile <strike>shit</strike> toppings on it, I do not think that this can be legally called pizza:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifv_HRYUzptBn8zOPyoZuvyMD1LVkgIte676KJB-VqycPYhpWVLr178iOxbn2NOvoNYO5rLGsvRpH6C1L2pt6pN6RqsYfcB4pWEnKPfUGlKQ54BFADRg8bCLAMVC0G7Y-S2cpcGhB_uTMq/s1600/IMG_1120.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifv_HRYUzptBn8zOPyoZuvyMD1LVkgIte676KJB-VqycPYhpWVLr178iOxbn2NOvoNYO5rLGsvRpH6C1L2pt6pN6RqsYfcB4pWEnKPfUGlKQ54BFADRg8bCLAMVC0G7Y-S2cpcGhB_uTMq/s320/IMG_1120.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Kraft Dinner + Crust ≠ Pizza. It's just math.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
(In case that's not clear, this is a Mac & Cheese Pizza.)</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I understand the thought process. "Pizza's Italian! Pasta's Italian! People will eat anything with cheese on it! Go for it!" Still, just because one can do a thing does not mean one should do a thing. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And your Cheeseburger "pizza,"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkh2v19whI89YEaJ2kHloGy5-SkC9CuhqtkCwVgPNvjfPyXgFZ9r1zyFZ53ZS0abf2OF_ZqS4ZDt9kTjy6XaPx6jjMYz0wGrOypnGGWq_KlsLPNzo5i0Y_968BKn7zYHEV4Fh3PCFLHu_0/s1600/IMG_1121.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkh2v19whI89YEaJ2kHloGy5-SkC9CuhqtkCwVgPNvjfPyXgFZ9r1zyFZ53ZS0abf2OF_ZqS4ZDt9kTjy6XaPx6jjMYz0wGrOypnGGWq_KlsLPNzo5i0Y_968BKn7zYHEV4Fh3PCFLHu_0/s320/IMG_1121.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>What's that red stuff? That can't be ketchup...can it? </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I get it. What's more American than a cheeseburger? Cheeseburger pizza! </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
(Yes, there is an apple pie pizza. It's for dessert!)</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
In case you hadn't guessed, I am back in the Land of Buffets - Central Florida. Cici's Pizza is a cheap pizza buffet where you can cram yourself full of pizza, pasta, and cinnamon rolls for about $6. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Cici's always seems like a good idea. For the first six slices. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Even as I start to dig in, I know in my head and my heart that one slice of cheese pizza from an average New York pizzeria is preferable to 12 slices of whatever Cici's has thawed out that day. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
Plus the pizza's not all that good. There's a lot of it, and I hope you like meat on it because the veggie options are few and far between. The day I went, there was one pizza that had vegetables on it. It sat on the heat rack, all sad and lonely. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There is also a pathetic little bowl of lettuce next to some fixin's, and they can apparently call that salad.<br />
<br />
Really, compared to this Olive Garden is a bistro in Rome. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But, shamefully, I must confess that I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">kind of like the mac & cheese pizza. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Really, I'd be less ashamed to admit to spending my paycheck on strippers and meth. (<i>NOTE TO MY WIFE: That's a joke, honey! Really!</i>)</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Oh, my poor mother. As a child, she would make sicilian pizza from scratch, spending all day pounding down the rising dough, simmering the sauce, grating cheese. And here I am wolfing down round bread with any old toppings on it.<br />
<br />
My Sicilian great-grandparents are rolling in their graves. <i>Wha' a-happen' to you?</i> I blame it on my parents growing up in south east Pennsylvania. The scrapple deadened their taste buds.<br />
<br />
No, blaming your parents is the coward's way out. I must own my shame. And I must now return to my hotel...<br />
<br />
Which is next door to a Cici's.<br />
<br /></div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-54548441239732511682012-05-25T17:17:00.002-07:002012-05-25T17:17:30.311-07:00Maturity is Overrated<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3MN-b_UPdLbiKFK_5kbfsgXcWbc_00uJnh9C3xM7mEkzFMb03sRyKV_4FkmKaQEtQ_qpqqRk6Q3f_Fe7rtxDaKOnvIfF9gGK4xtECM-KHf4KRDXhTUSz6hY4YZuOo8MJ8TBr6z_8JD81Z/s1600/IMG_1114.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3MN-b_UPdLbiKFK_5kbfsgXcWbc_00uJnh9C3xM7mEkzFMb03sRyKV_4FkmKaQEtQ_qpqqRk6Q3f_Fe7rtxDaKOnvIfF9gGK4xtECM-KHf4KRDXhTUSz6hY4YZuOo8MJ8TBr6z_8JD81Z/s320/IMG_1114.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<i>Myrtle Beach, SC</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
ME: <i>Snicker....</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
MY LOVELY WIFE: What?<br />
<br />
ME: <i>(Pointing) Hee...</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
MLW: What, the store?<br />
<br />
ME: <i>(Laughing) </i>How do they know the dolphin is gay? Did he come on to a lifeguard? Did he get flirty with a surfer?<br />
<br />
MLW: <i>(Rolling eyes) </i>It's too damn hot for this. Come on, we have to get going.<br />
<br />
ME: Hang on.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfK77G7SmZ9g77UZVZJkgSh3XyLvNvY1JFMi0TtqtCVMEdPp9JOuEoxqpL7DF4qDYzQw8UeX5Kc6yZiX7QchlBK_dmkXdGNW-dKla7NSpJK_Kwnxq3qnHPQU6fUN_cNKJKV9Un1Uj9i7R7/s1600/IMG_1112.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfK77G7SmZ9g77UZVZJkgSh3XyLvNvY1JFMi0TtqtCVMEdPp9JOuEoxqpL7DF4qDYzQw8UeX5Kc6yZiX7QchlBK_dmkXdGNW-dKla7NSpJK_Kwnxq3qnHPQU6fUN_cNKJKV9Un1Uj9i7R7/s320/IMG_1112.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
MLW: Would you stop? People will think there's something wrong with you. It just means <a href="http://gaydolphin.com/about-us/">happy dolphins!</a><br />
<br />
ME: I'll bet that dolphin's happy! Look at the fabulous souvenirs he can wear while he's cruising in the shallows!<br />
<br />
MLW: I hope you and the dolphin are very happy together. I'll see you at the car.<br />
<br />
ME: <i>(Sigh) </i>Coming...Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-86804541643118298652012-04-18T16:32:00.000-07:002012-04-18T16:32:42.497-07:00America Explained<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyveeOpebhpMSodTmNpQ8UZnlRa-ZJSttMf7EiyS3AVcDOby53zqsYXkVDOOrMVDRfn-wHqQtCkI-xM3WQm_EYLNMN_BGhhV0PlR7udijwndVjpDMuhIOLQnjuMOqFI5oROQMLUiZg9Dja/s1600/IMG_1028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyveeOpebhpMSodTmNpQ8UZnlRa-ZJSttMf7EiyS3AVcDOby53zqsYXkVDOOrMVDRfn-wHqQtCkI-xM3WQm_EYLNMN_BGhhV0PlR7udijwndVjpDMuhIOLQnjuMOqFI5oROQMLUiZg9Dja/s320/IMG_1028.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Celebration, FL, is a prefab community near Orlando. It was created by Disney.<br />
<br />
Yes, that was a little Stepford Wife chill you felt just there.<br />
<br />
It strives very hard to create the perfect little Smalltown, USA, and it mostly succeeds. It is beautiful, especially when you sit near the prefab lake in the prefab town square that was designed to look like a place that Scout and Atticus would call home.<br />
<br />
As you enjoy your iced tea (from Starbucks - retro only goes so far), you sit back in one of the big wooden plantation rocking chairs the town has placed around the prefab lake and you look up...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWy7L2BlapJObUQxXz4lDuyIqGCZNNoaY8NbmGf_LiDZNf1okvOtZ4sbbOEf_JVcz8sxWFaFw0j4KibOy6fRJzXzzDOoYl1UQUm7s5WPeB8-TOuORc_fx-lzJXhsgp9Gc1DC2Ot2vBW_GF/s1600/photo(1).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWy7L2BlapJObUQxXz4lDuyIqGCZNNoaY8NbmGf_LiDZNf1okvOtZ4sbbOEf_JVcz8sxWFaFw0j4KibOy6fRJzXzzDOoYl1UQUm7s5WPeB8-TOuORc_fx-lzJXhsgp9Gc1DC2Ot2vBW_GF/s320/photo(1).JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
A skywriter is helpfully pointing out that "Jesus Loves U." And Jesus must also love emoticons. I was driving, so I couldn't take a picture of his first message: "God + U = :-)" <br />
<br />
This was my quintessential American experience. I sat on the edge of a man made lake in a prefab town that was trying to make me nostalgic for a past I never experienced, drinking iced tea from one of the biggest corporate chains in America, and then a skywriter pooped religion on top of everything.<br />
<br />
God Bless America.<br />
<br />
I was on the edge of a profound understanding of this country, but then I started <a href="http://youvestoppedtrying.blogspot.com/2012/04/restaurants-that-i-am-glad-are-not.html">jonesing for gravy</a> and it was time to go.Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-82928226209112696752012-04-17T14:44:00.000-07:002012-04-17T14:44:20.098-07:00Restaurants That I Am Glad Are Not Within 100 Miles of My House.It's been a while since I've posted. My wife has been working in Orlando at a Major Themed Attraction that shall remain nameless, although (hint) it has recently opened a magical new attraction based on a famous book.<br />
<br />
No, not the <a href="http://www.holylandexperience.com/">Holy Land Experience</a>. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Hellivision/walt_disney-holyland01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Hellivision/walt_disney-holyland01.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Hey, c'mon! Quit hogging the Cross Ride!</i></span></div><br />
She's been there for the past two months, so anytime I'm not working I try and get down to see her.<br />
<br />
Orlando is a fantastic place, especially in the spring. It's sunny and warm and there are beaches not too far away.<br />
<br />
However, healthy eating is not a priority.<br />
<br />
I can understand this. Orlando recently passed New York as the <a href="http://www.bizjournals.com/orlando/news/2012/04/10/orlando-ranks-no1-summer-vacation-spot.html">USA's #1 tourist destination</a>. When families are on vacation, they don't think about vegetables. (For years as a child, the only time we went to McDonald's was on our annual road trip to Massachusetts to see Granny. Those were happy times.)<br />
<br />
But still... It's like Carb Heaven up in here. The roads are nothing but mile after mile of chain restaurants. Friday's, Friendly's, Denny's. Perkin's, Chili's, Shoney's, Ponderosa...<br />
<br />
One week before I was eating in <a href="http://www.artisanalbistro.com/">high end bistros</a> in New York with my friend the <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/travel/destinations/travel-united-states/newyork/a-cheese-lovers-tour-of-new-york/article2398949/">cheese critic</a>. Now I am debating seriously whether to have the $5 Chinese buffet or the $4 gravy tub. I was on vacation, I indulged myself.<br />
<br />
And since I have the willpower of a depressed alcoholic at a keg party, I now present a list of restaurants that I am glad are not in New York City. Because I would eat at them all at least once a week and my blood stream would thicken into a a sludge of cholesterol. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">1. All You Can Eat Buffets</span></b></span><br />
<br />
The first time I came to Orlando about 10 years back, I was amazed at the number of all you can eat buffets. I was also amazed that many were labelled "All you CARE to eat." As in, yes, we know you can cram an enormous amount of food down your distended gullet, and yes, we know you want to get your $6.95 worth of jello and sesame chicken, but, you know, you could just eat until you're full. You know, whatever. Just please don't have a coronary on our property. Waddle on over to Burger King. They have better liability insurance.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://downtheroad.tunicatravel.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/STT-great-buffet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://downtheroad.tunicatravel.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/STT-great-buffet.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Time for fourths! I can still squeeze in a few more shrimp.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;">There really aren't very many all you can eat places in New York. The rents are too high to let you make money by giving gluttons a bottomless feedbag for $8. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">To be sure, New York has some <a href="http://newyork.metromix.com/restaurants/standard_photo_gallery/all-you-can-eat/1052426/content">fancy-pants</a> options, but these are not in the spirit of the suburban buffet table, and they are about three times as expensive. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">No, I am thinking of the endless Chinese food buffet, or the Golden Corral buffet chain. They're as common as alligators down there. If you've seen their ads during a Law & Order marathon on TNT, you know they offer an endless buffet with a chocolate fountain for about $10. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I've eaten at Golden Corral in Orlando twice. The first time was fine. The second time the endless buffet gave me endless diarrhea in an airport bathroom. But that was before the chocolate fountain! 50-50? I likes them odds!<br />
<br />
<b>Closest One to My House: </b>Delran, NJ 88.4 miles away<br />
<br />
<b>Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: </b>Zero. The $10 dollar buffet is tempered by the $40 in gas a round trip would take. <br />
<br />
<b>2. Bob Evans</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.justeray.com/Road%20Trip/Day%2019/BobEvans.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.justeray.com/Road%20Trip/Day%2019/BobEvans.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Stop it, I'm going to cry...</span></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></i>I don't know a whole lot about the Bob Evans menu. Not that I haven't been there a lot, mainly because I only ever order two things. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Biscuits.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">And sausage gravy.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">And the biscuits are secondary. They serve primarily as a gravy-delivery device. (And they're good biscuits! Just that gravy...)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">....</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Sorry, I went to a happy place for a minute there. <i>Oh gravy... </i>The sausage chunks, the texture, the gooeyness...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><i> </i></div><div style="text-align: left;">Ok. The only problem i have with the gravy is that it comes in two sizes: bowl and cup. I want a sausage gravy fountain. I want hot flowing gravy to fill up a Big Gulp cup. I want a 10,000 calorie gravy milkshake. I want you TO READ MY SUGGESTIONS BOB EVANS EMPLOYEES! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!!! YOU THINK THAT RESTRAINING ORDER CAN KEEP ME AWAY?!?!?!</div><br />
<b></b><br />
<b>Closest One to My House: </b>Mount Laurel, NJ 91.5 miles away<br />
<br />
<b>Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: </b>50%. Seriously, you have to try that gravy. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>3. Krispy Kreme</b><br />
<br />
Yes, there is a sad little Krispy Kreme express in Penn Station. It is not the same as the massive suburban ones in the south that have a conveyor belt of delicious, hot donuts being covered in a liquid sugar glaze. You do not chew real hot Krispy Kremes. They dissolve in your mouth.<br />
<br />
I do not believe in your "Hot Now" sign, Penn Station Krispy Kreme. You are a false prophet. <b> </b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Closest (Real) One to My House: </b>Collingswood, NJ 99 Miles<br />
<br />
<b>Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: </b>35% They are good, but I can probably melt a bag of sugar on the stove and drink it down to get the same effect.<br />
<br />
<b>4. Chick-Fil-A</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.mafamily.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/chick-fil-a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://www.mafamily.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/chick-fil-a.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>A portion of our proceeds goes to help illiterate cows. </i></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;">I blame my wife for this. One time we stayed at a hotel in Baltimore that was directly behind a Chick-Fil-A. It emitted some of the foulest odors I have ever experiences. Fortunately, the god-fearin' chain makes all of their stores close on Sundays, so we at least got one day of rest.<br />
<b> </b><br />
When MLW told me that she was now hooked on Chick-Fil-A, I was surprised to say the least. She went there with friends who swore by the place. They were different here, she explained. <br />
<br />
And boy, were they! Thick, boneless breasts! Crispy coating! They are a revelation. (And Chick-Fil-A is into revelations. The lemonade cup advertised a leadership conference with noted NFL mediocrity and champion God-botherer Tim Tebow.)<br />
<br />
Their fries suck though. I guess perfect fries are an affront to God or something.<br />
<br />
<b>Closest One to My House: </b>I think it's in Maryland or somewhere... <a href="http://www.chick-fil-a.com/nyu">wait</a>, <a href="http://www.chick-fil-a.com/paramusparkshoppingcenter">what</a>? Ok, time to wrap this up. <br />
<br />
<b>Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: </b>Ok, here's the problem. The food is amazing, but they donate heavily to <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/14/chick-fil-a-anti-gay-donation-nyu-protest_n_1277364.html">anti-gay marriage group</a>s. What to do? Every time you go to a Chick-Fil-A, donate an equal amount of money to <a href="http://www.freedomtomarry.org/">Freedom To Marry</a> or some other gay rights group. (You could even donate it in the name of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chick-fil-A#Advertising">Doodles the Chicken</a>, Chick-Fil-A's fired mascot.) And then jog a lap, cause deep fried chicken isn't all that good for you.</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;">More posts about the Orlando experience to come... Time for chicken.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-16600825260829625312012-02-29T21:17:00.000-08:002012-02-29T21:17:57.760-08:00Why Revolutions HappenYou know who has it rough? I mean really rough? I mean, <i>oh my god</i> you would not believe the trials and tribulations this poor group of put upon, hated, misunderstood people have to endure.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://online.wsj.com/media/wallstreet0209_E_20090210114832.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://online.wsj.com/media/wallstreet0209_E_20090210114832.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
The poor bankers of Wall Street <a href="http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-29/wall-street-bonus-withdrawal-means-trading-aspen-for-cheap-chex.html">who didn't get their bonuses this year</a>. <br />
<br />
I mean, can you imagine the hardship? Like the article said, <i>they had to go to Fairway! In Brooklyn!!</i><br />
<br />
Never mind that <a href="http://www.fairwaymarket.com/">Fairway</a> is one of the best grocery stores in New York City<i> </i>and my <a href="http://cheeseandtoast.com/">cheese blogger friend</a> insists on going to visit their cheese counter when she comes to town. There is a principle involved! How can you adjust to bargain basement smoked salmon when you are used to Nova being hand delivered to your door by an authentic fisherman in a wool cap who says "Arrr?" I mean, <i>really!</i><br />
<br />
And they can <i>barely</i> afford to keep their kids in Connecticut private schools!<i> </i>Don't even mention public schools! Some things are too gauche!<br />
<br />
I think we need some background music:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoMh4iUbKWDEAoq7QeA7Slc60yPeaRQxj03HFsoDhNnN2_AWNuOWJEMM4iu1TQDjRD-KJG3yfUDcRkmehjqC14r-TlW1kXThXCcaVwupB-8kmv_HIzTzS8lSpzr0F6WGzbRDQCA2nDn2Hx/s400/tiny-violin1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoMh4iUbKWDEAoq7QeA7Slc60yPeaRQxj03HFsoDhNnN2_AWNuOWJEMM4iu1TQDjRD-KJG3yfUDcRkmehjqC14r-TlW1kXThXCcaVwupB-8kmv_HIzTzS8lSpzr0F6WGzbRDQCA2nDn2Hx/s400/tiny-violin1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Do you wonder why Occupy Wall Street happened? Do you wonder why Republican image guru Frank Luntz instructed his clients not to use the word "<a href="http://thinkprogress.org/romm/2011/12/01/380121/luntz-gop-occupy-wall-street-capitalism-is-immoral/?mobile=nc">capitalism</a>?" Because of clueless dimwits like these, people who honestly think they are suffering earning "only" $350K a year. (The same way that Mitt Romney "only" made<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/17/mitt-romney-not-much-definition-speaking-fees_n_1210522.html"> $374K</a> from speaking engagements which, according to him, was "not very much.")<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/415/crybabies?act=1">This American Life</a> had a story about some of these guys awhile back, Wall Street guys who honestly think Obama is trying to destroy capitalism, despite propping them up with a few trillion dollars. The reporter was genuinely speechless that the young Patrick Batemans didn't think they should say thanks to the taxpayers for bailing them out. Didn't even cross their minds. That was just the cost of doing business with them.<br />
<br />
The name of that episode? Crybabies.<br />
<br />
It's hard to imagine even Marie Antoinette acting as cavalierly. "Let them eat $5.99/lb lox? That sounds a little out of touch."<br />
<br />
It's hard to tell whether the Bloomberg reporter is seriously reporting on this subject or if he has his tongue in cheek. <a href="http://gawker.com/5889249/the-five-best-quotes-in-bloombergs-outrageous-banker-bonuses-story?popular=true">Gawker</a> takes the latter view, saying his beat is to give the rich their lengths of hangman's rope. I sincerely hope so, but New York papers for the well to do have often written about <a href="http://intoxination.net/jamie/pity-party-rich-liberal-new-york-times">poor rich people</a>.<br />
<br />
There was a brief movie trend in the early '90's (okay, there were <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103007/">two</a> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102303/">movies</a>) where rich assholes were forced to live in poverty for a month and therefore learn that money isn't everything and become better people. Both movies <a href="http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=super.htm">bombed</a> <a href="http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=lifestinks.htm">horribly</a>, but they have given me an idea.<br />
<br />
How about a reality show, where we take these banksters and make them live like regular middle class earners for a few months? Watch them clip coupons! Take the subway! It'll be gripping!<br />
<br />
Then - and here's the fun part for the viewer - <i>we don't give them back their money! </i>Heck, we don't even have to turn on the cameras! Just tell them them they're on a TV show. We can pay a film student to follow them around with empty cameras just for show.<br />
<br />
And then we can leave them in their <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099685/quotes?qt=qt0434791">Henry Hill lives</a> - ordering egg noodles with ketchup.<br />
<br />
And we'll keep the tip money.Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-90812703263715252762012-02-26T18:53:00.035-08:002012-02-26T21:10:06.376-08:00Oscar Live Blog, Continued!Two hours in, time for a new thread.<br />
<br />
9:52 Yay Melissa McCarthy! Go steal Octavia's Oscar!<br />
<br />
9:53 Best Visual Effect is NOT Emma Stone's dress.<br />
<br />
9:54: Real Steel deserves to win. Why? They built REAL FIGHTING ROBOTS! How awesome is that! It was not all CGI!<br />
<br />
9:55 Emma, you're cute. Stop being meta.<br />
<br />
9:56 I mean, don't you want a real fighting robot? Honey, I want one for my birthday!<br />
<br />
9:56 Probably be Planet of the Apes. If Transformers wins, I'll key an Autobot.<br />
<br />
9:57 Hugo! Can anyone stop the Hugo juggernaut? And the steampunk thing looked very cool.<br />
<br />
9:58 Best Supporting Actor! Best Supporting Actor: Chris Plummer deserved some kind of award for keeping a straight face during Sound of Music. He’ll probably get one here for playing an older gay man. That’s like Oscar bingo!<br />
<br />
9:59 It's Plummer! They didn't even have time to get the people up on the screen before he was announced. I have heard stories from people who have worked with him that he is a terrible lech. Don't grope Melissa! She'll cut you! <br />
<br />
10:01 Another standing O! And his speech is charming and funny. If the director cuts him off I will send an off key children's choir over to his house to sing Lonely Goatherd for six hours.<br />
<br />
10:07 Again, rather than comment on Billy's string of groaners, I will close my eyes and sing Journey songs.<br />
<br />
10:08 I WILL LOVE YOU...(Still going?) FAITHFULLY!<br />
<br />
10:09 Nolte looks like a drunken Santa Claus.<br />
<br />
10:10 Couldn't we have gotten Uggie to host? It would be funnier.<br />
<br />
10:11 Really, two hours to go?<br />
<br />
10:12 Penelope Cruz looks stunning! Owen Wilson looks like he rolled out of a hammock.<br />
<br />
10:13 Best Score: Is this where the Artist starts its run?<br />
<br />
10:14 It is! Better alert the rape crisis center. <a href="http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/race/the-artist-kim-novak-rape-vertigo-279690">Kim Novak</a> will be giving you a call.<br />
<br />
10:16 It's the token wacky presenter bit! Will Ferrell is always fun.<br />
<br />
10:17 Best Song! <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Muppets better god damn win or I will personally kill those stupid birds from Rio.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:18 Yay! Making up for the slight they gave Rainbow Connection all those years ago. Now half of Flight of the Conchords has an Oscar! Rub it in Jermaine Clement's face, Brett!</span><br />
<br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:25 Angelina Jolie presents adapted screenplay! Moneyball was amazing in that it managed to make a book about calculating batting averages into fascinating movie. Still, I'd be happy if Descendants won, since Dean Pelton from Community is nominated. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:27 Descendants! Now we HAVE to bring back Community, if only so Jim Rash can use it as a prop in the Dean's office, and Joel McHale and Danny Pudi can make jokes about how Moneyball was better. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:28 Seriously NBC, bring back Community.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:29 I so want Bridesmaids, but it's going to be Woody Allen</span><br />
<br />
10:30 Woody! Come on man, your clarinet gig is Monday nights. Come and pick up the Oscar!<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">But really, original screenplay? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Woody Allen complains about the philistines who don’t understand his art and how culture used to be better. Yes, this is fresh new ground for him. Although, I’ll give him the “things used to be better part.” Like back when you made films like Bullets over Broadway, Annie Hall, and Bananas.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:35 The Bridesmaids! What award will they get stuck with? Oh they're making dick jokes. Time for the short films!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:39 These are the pool breakers, here. No one knows any of these. No one has seen any. Are there any Holocaust movies? If not your guess is as good as mine. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:40 The Shore wins. Yay? Who knows. It's a great moment for the film makers and he says a nice thing about his fiance.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:42 Documentary Short. I know nothing about these movies except they often have AWESOME acceptance speeches. Google "King Gimp" or look up the <a href="http://www.thefablife.com/2010-03-08/music-by-prudence-oscar-fight-doc-lady-pulls-a-kanye/">acceptance speech fight</a> the producers of "Music by Prudence" had a few years back. That is some fun right there.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:43 Saving Face. Sure, why not?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:44 Animated Short! La Luna looks cute in the clips. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:45 The Fantastic Flying Books Of Morris Lesmore! Sounds like an old Troy McClure joke title. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:50 Occupy Wall Street jokes. Blargh. Can we occupy Billy's writer room until they get better jokes?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:51 Best Director! Here's where it comes down to Hugo or Artist. If Michel French Last name wins, it's the Artist for best picture. If Marty wins his second Oscar, Hugo will get it. Splits between best director and best picture are rare, last happening in 2005. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:52: Michel! The Artist is going to get Best Picture.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:54 Am I crazy or is this going to end by 11:30 PM? We got best picture and the two acting awards and the Faces of Death montage, right?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:55 Meryl Streep! A word anout her 17 nominations. She has 17 nominations because most years the Academy is trying to find five roles worthy of nominating and Meryl’s a safe bet to round out the category. Can you think of any other reason she was nominated for her role as an inner city violin teacher in Wes Craven’s (!) Music of my Heart? Now, if she had taught Freddy Kreuger how to play fiddle…</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">10:56 Why the fuck does Oprah get an honorary Oscar??? She's been in two movies! But, at least Darth Vader has won an Oscar. (No, not Hayden Christiansen. I'm going to punch anyone who thought that.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:00 My Lovely Wife just texted me that someone blew his nose into his hand and then wiped it on her hotel door. I guess he was pissed about Oprah getting an Oscar, too! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:03 Faces of Death! Not to harp on this, but the two oscar producers Billy just eulogized both got more time than Farrah Fawcett did.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:05 Of course Whitney has to be here. They put Michael Jackson in on the strength of Captain EO.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:06 Steve Jobs? I know he was an original Pixar investor, but is that even the tenth thing you think about when you hear Steve Jobs' name? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:10 Ashley Judd is not CIA! She is a mother looking for her son!!! Pass.</span><br />
<br />
11:12 Another montage. Hey, did you hear? Movies are magical! You know what the last film I saw was? Ghost Rider. Feel the magic.<br />
<br />
11:13 Best Actor! <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I really liked Brad Pitt in Moneyball, but most Oscar pundits think this is a two way race between Jean Dujardin and George Clooney. Poor Brad Pitt! He gets no respect! He’ll cry himself to sleep on his bed made out of money while spooning Angelina Jolie. Life is so unfair.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:14 I really hate this style of presentation, where the presenter talks directly to the nominee and tells him how brave and great he was in the role. What are they going to say? "Hey George. Pretty good. Not your best work though."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:15 Dujardin! Wow, that's a minor surprise! Unfortunately, his Oscar speech does not come close to Roberto Begnini's insanity when he won for Life is Beautiful. "I love your country!" is a good line, though.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:24 Best Actress time, presented by Colin Firth. I have yet to see King's Speech. I am sure it's good but it just seemed like it was thought up by the Oscar-Tron 2000 awards generator. Based on True Events! Period Film! Royalty! British Accents! World War II! Jackpot!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:25 The pundits agree this is all sewn up for Viola Davis. Meryl will win oscar number 3 someday.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:27 "Meryl... Mamma Mia!" I was wrong. They could say something decent in this presentation style. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:29 The winner is... Meryl! Well that is a surprise! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:30 Not going to lie. I was ready to hit send on "The winner is Viola Davis." </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">11:31 I guess that argument her agents used worked. "You realize it's been 30 years since she won her last one, right?" Too bad every review of this movie has said that she is a great performance trapped in a horrible movie. </span><br />
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11:32 I guess that means we should get ready for Best Picture Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.<br />
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11:33 Best Picture thoughts:<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">The Help: White girls end racism! I didn’t hear a thank you, black America!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: I’ll steal a line from <a href="http://deadspin.com/5887360/the-haters-guide-to-the-2012-academy-awards">Deadspin</a>: “Wasn't 9/11 so cute, you guys? I'll never forget that day, because 2,500 died and then I got to go on a TREASURE HUNT!” Yeah, no.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">War Horse: I can’t think of a Spielberg film I have ever wanted to see less. And I even liked Always. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Midnight in Paris: Woody Allen does the Woody Allen thing.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Descendants: Clooney’s wife is in a coma. I got nothing. Especially no real desire to see this. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Tree of Life: I liked Thin Red Line and Badlands, but Terrence Malick’s movies veer from fascinating to stultifying in the blink of an eye (and that eye blink can last for all eternity and encompass the whole universe. With lens flare.) Still, dinosaurs? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The Artist: So French! So Silent! The dog is so cute! <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Hugo: One of the two best picture nominees I have seen. I loved this. It’s an utterly charming movie. The only mistsep is Sasha Baron Cohen’s character of the Station Inspector who chases after Hugo the whole film. Look, I understand that there needs to be a villain to help raise the stakes and drive the narrative, but he comes off as a more over the top version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Moneyball: The other best picture nominee I’ve seen. I thought this was a cracker jack entertainment (Ha! See what I did there?) about baseball and Brad Pitt’s struggle to stay handsome despite eating a Twinkie in every scene of this movie. (Do you think Jonah Hill got annoyed having to watch Pitt shove junk food in his face for weeks of filming and not gain an ounce?) Very entertaining movie that somehow made the calculation of batting averages seem exciting, although it has been pointed out that the A’s were hardly the Bad News Bears they were made to seem in the film. They had the AL MVP plus three 20 game winners. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
11:35 Best Picture: The Artist! The second silent film to win best picture. Everybody I know who has seen this has loved it. I guess I'll take their word for it.<br />
<br />
11:40 Thus ends another year of film awards. (Oh wait! <a href="http://www.razzies.com/history/32ndNoms.asp">Not quite</a>!) Thus ends another visit with Billy Crystal. And we clock out at... 3 hours 10 minutes! That has to be some kind of record! Thank you academy! Amazing that a community of tv and film professionals could find a way to keep the show under 4 hours.<br />
<br />
And thus ends the live blog. I hope you enjoyed it. Join us again for more blogging adventures to come. </div></div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-71048344050573236152012-02-26T17:02:00.045-08:002012-02-26T20:03:17.041-08:00Oscar Live BlogOscar night!<br />
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We've got beer, and in honor of the <a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/02/21/idUS103537216220120221">LA Times article</a> revealing that the Academy voters are even older, whiter, and maler the previously thought, I have ordered the Papa John's SausageFest Pizza.<br />
<br />
Let's begin!<br />
<br />
8:00 And we're on the red carpet! I know, E! has been on the Red Carpet since 12 PM yesterday, but I would sooner jam a cooking thermometer in my ears than listen to Joan Rivers for more than 13 nanoseconds.<br />
<br />
Joan, we appreciate that you are a pioneer for women in comedy, but you've been a caricature for about 15 years now.<br />
<br />
8:05 I guess you've arrived in Hollywood when the Oscar hosts ask you to break out your terrible Christopher Walken impression. Welcome, Bradley Cooper.<br />
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8:08 Here come the briefcases! This is like the Academy Awards for accountants.<br />
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8:10 Seriously, wouldn't you love to pull a switch on those guys? "And the award for best picture goes to... <i>Jack and Jill?"</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
8:12 George Clooney must be some kind of wizard. Handsome, oscar-winning actor who has dated a string of gorgeous women, and no one feels the least bit jealous of him. Harry Potter must be scratching his head.<br />
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8:15 Sandra Bullock looks nice. The announcer is going out of her way to not mention a certain ex-husband of hers. It would be awesome if a tearful Jessie James came running up the aisle when she was presenting to beg her to take him back. "C'mon baby! Rihanna took back Chris Brown!"<br />
<br />
8:20 Oh boy! We are going to be carpet bombed for four hours with promos for ABC's craptacular programming. Kirstin Chenowith, I love you on Broadway but there's no way I'm watching a southern fried rip off of Desperate Housewives.<br />
<br />
8:22 Natalie Portman gets to the heart of why the Academy was so quick to bring back Billy Crystal, despite him not saying a funny joke in about 20 years. "He's not going to be mean!" Oooo, this is going to be a long four hours.<br />
<br />
8:23 The show producer: "Billy's got an AMAZING opening medley!" Is it too early to switch to tequila?<br />
<br />
8:26 I have never been so embarrased for a comedian as to see Chris Rock pimp for the brilliance that is Billy Crystal. They are REALLY pushing him hard.<br />
<br />
(Not that Eddie Murphy - the original host - has had a much better late career period. Imagine That? Norbit?)<br />
<br />
8:30 Morgan Freeman! I feel so reassured.<br />
<br />
8:31 Oh, that feeling passed. Billy's putting himself in a montage where he appears in all the movies. It's the only way he can get in a good movie these days.<br />
<br />
Justin Beiber is here. Pander-iffic!<br />
<br />
8:35 That's some cutting edge Tintin parody there.<br />
<br />
8:37 "Just call me War Horse!" Erg. No glue factory tag up?<br />
<br />
8:38 OK, props for the Kodak "Chapter 11" theater joke.<br />
<br />
8:39 Oh fuck. Please don't sing.<br />
<br />
8:40 Jean Dujardin has a bemused look as Billy sings about him in The Artist. He speaks barely any english, I envy him.<br />
<br />
8:41 Clooney is smiling gamely, but Billy just cost himself a part in <i>Ocean's 19.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
8:42 My friend is on Worst Cooks in America and he's having a viewing party at 9. If I leave now, I could make it in time...<br />
<br />
8:43 First Award: Cinematography! Likely Tree of Life. The waving grass is pretty.<br />
<br />
8:44 No! Hugo! Those tracking shots were amazing.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/gallery/2005/02/28/richardson-.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/gallery/2005/02/28/richardson-.jpg" width="274" /></a></div><br />
<br />
8:45 Now that is a rocking hairdo! Hang ten, brother!<br />
<br />
8:46 Art Direction: Hugo looked phenomenal, and I've only seen that and Harry Potter.<br />
<br />
8:47 Hugo! Could we have an upset? Probably not. Hugo will do well in the craft awards.<br />
<br />
8:48 Um, I loved Hugo, but how is Art Directing a movie set in Paris about the early days of silent French film a win for Italy?<br />
<br />
8:49 I must admit, I have only seen two of the nine best picture nominees - Hugo and Moneyball - and I have little interest in any of the others outside of The Artist. My Lovely Wife wanted to see it together, so I wait until we are reunited in Orlando. (Woody! Your new movie title: <i>Reunited in Orlando!</i>)<br />
<br />
8:50 Rather than recount the string of groaners Billy is reeling off, I am going to close my eyes and sing Journey songs for the next sixty seconds.<br />
<br />
8:51 <i>DON'T STOP...BELIEVING! </i>(Is he still going?) <i>HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
8:52 Christ, another montage? Reminding us all of all the better movies that were made in years past.<br />
<br />
They keep looking for ways to cut down on the running time. How 'bout we knock off these montages? The only one I have ever enjoyed was the one where Woody Allen introduced a tribute to New York after 9/11. The rest are just time filler.<br />
<br />
8:54 Costumes! This usually means Most and Biggest Period Costumes. That would be Anonymous, but that film was god awful. Maybe Hugo again? The Georges Melies stuff was good.<br />
<br />
8:55 No! The Artist! It was hard picking all of the tuxedos.<br />
<br />
8:57 Makep! It really should be Harry Potter, but it will probably be that Maggie Thatcher prosthetic.<br />
<br />
8:58 J-Lo and Cameron hiding their oscar boobies.<br />
<br />
8:59 Iron Lady! Meh. Voldemort will have his revenge.<br />
<br />
9:00 Another montage. "The first movie I saw!" I don't care. Can you please stop trying to sell me on The Magic of the Movies! I'm already watching this damn show.<br />
<br />
9:06 Foreign Film! And are we really doing a pidgin language bit? Where did they find these Catskills writers?<br />
<br />
9:07 Should be A Separation, but there is a holocaust film!<br />
<br />
9:08 A Separation! One of the few times the most critically acclaimed film has won the award. And the director looks an awful lot like Ben Kingsley playing Georges Melies. And anything that helps to promote artistic freedom in Iran is good.<br />
<br />
9:09 What's with Nick Nolte's slow clap for Christian Bale? Is he just drunk? And they aren't all first timers! Janet McTeer for Tumbleweeds! 1999!<br />
<br />
9:10 Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spenser of The Help is the favorite here, but this category is full of upsets. Remember when Lauren Bacall was a shoo-in, only to lose to the younger and prettier Juliette Binoche? This category often rewards the young, fresh faces, i.e. the actress the old white men most want to fuck. (How else do you explain an Oscar for Kim Basinger? Mira Sorvino??? You realize they have more acting Oscars than Charlie Chaplin, Judy Garland, and Gene Kelly <i>combined?</i><span style="font-style: normal;">) So, there could be a Jessica Chastain upset. But, if there’s one thing the Academy likes as much as fucking, it’s making BIG STATEMENTS about race. Two black actreses have never won for the same movie before</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:11 I would really love it if Melissa McCarthy won. Go Sookie! Yay Gilmore Girls!</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:12 Winner: Octavia Spenser! So, it seems we are in for an upset free evening. </span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:13 Wow, standing ovation! And she seems genuinely happy! </span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:14 Don't wrap up Octavia! It's one thing to give the high sign to the third sound editor on Transformers, but the only speeches people care about are the actor and director ones. Don't cut them off! Gotta make room for more montages!</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:18 "That moment for Octavia Spenser is what the Oscars are all about." What, getting cut off during your big emotional moment?</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:19 Wizard of Oz focus group! You realize this is the first time we got the Christopher Guest improv gang back together since their Oscar parody film "For Your Consideration." </span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">"The Good Witch is a cruel jokester!" </span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:22 Editing! If Thelma Schoolmaker wins, we could have a Hugo upset brewing. Other wise, it's going to be all Artist. </span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;">9:24 Dragon Tattoo! Well, I guess the academy likes David Fincher's editors if not David Fincher's directing. I dunno. That movie could have been about 20 minutes shorter.</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;">The two guys were so genuinely surprised they couldn't even finish their speech. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;">9:25 Sound Editing! If the majesty of Transformers is not recognized...</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;">9:26 Hugo! That make three. And all those gears sounded cool. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;">9:27 "Hugo!" "No, Hugo." We're taking the Oscar back now. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;">9:28 Sound mixing! Your second chance to honor transformers!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-style: normal;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-style: normal;">9:29 Winner: Hugo! That movie was pretty fucking charming. I love Marty. </span>Movies like Raging Bull and Taxi Driver are why I went to film school. Still, it’s hard to believe the man that brought such a raw jittery feel to Mean Streets is the same director as Hugo. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: black;"><br />
<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;">9:34 Muppets! Yay! (My Lovely Wife texts: Miss Piggy is Smokin'! (Get it? Smoked Ham)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;">9:35 Cirque du Soleil! Uhhhhhhgggg. AS if the films nominated weren't French enough. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;">9:38 So, there's time for a five minute Cirque du Soleil wankfest, but Octavia Spenser got told to wrap it up? Racist!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;">9:40 Gwynnie & Downey! Do we get an Iron Man joke?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;">9:41 No, a stupid riff on that stupid Joaquin Phoenix movie.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;">9:44 Documentary</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Paradise Lost had better goddamn win, having helped to get three people out of prison, but it’s entirely possible that the Academy’s anti-TV bias may come into play. Also their bias against documentaries that are interesting, entertaining, and reach a wide audience. (No, I’m not still upset about them snubbing Hoop Dreams. Why do you ask?) No holocaust films this year, so maybe Joe Berlinger has a shot.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;">9:45 Really? The football team movie? Fuck you documentary wing.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"></span><br />
<div style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;">9:47 Animated feature!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> Kung Fu Panda 2. What. The. Fuck. It would be nice if the hand drawn Spanish movie Chico & Rita could pull this out, but it’s probably the quirky and oddball Rango. Coraline, you picked the wrong year to get released.</span> </span></div><div style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;">9:48 And no surprise. Rango wins.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;">(The formatting got a little wonky, so we are continuing the live blog <a href="http://youvestoppedtrying.blogspot.com/2012/02/oscar-live-blog-continued.html">here</a>. Come join us!) </span></div></div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-68896248064429259072012-02-25T13:26:00.000-08:002012-02-25T13:26:11.061-08:00Oscar Magic!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://geekcastradio.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Oscar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="http://geekcastradio.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Oscar.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
It's Oscar time!<br />
<br />
I do love me the Oscars. Oscar trivia, Oscar pools, you name it! I used to run a pool in college. (I was the only person to pick Marisa Tomei for My Cousin Vinnie.) This is back in the pre-internet days, when all "movies" were just a series of crudely drawn flip books. (I told my dad this and he snorted. "We didn't even HAVE flip books! We just had to quickly walk from one cave painting to the next!")<br />
<br />
Anyway, I decided to try something new (for me) and live-blog the Oscars tomorrow!<br />
<br />
Join me for the pageantry! The dresses! The once in a decade occurrence were the Best Picture Oscar actually goes to the best picture! <br />
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See you on Sunday! Dress nice or Joan Rivers will make fun of you.Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-87192380606590880712012-02-24T12:51:00.000-08:002012-02-24T12:51:17.075-08:00Unlimited!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://l.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/canstock6998234.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://l.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/canstock6998234.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>"Can I help you? Probably not."</i></span></div><br />
I have an iPhone. I love my iPhone. If you asked me to choose between my iPhone and 99% of the people I have met in my life, it was nice knowing you.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJrRkWOgU7Rg9PKleFFtj6FFxRCjiS5oRmtQYwCIsWT1hWCzx7BgEG96TAuiG35XcZmRPB_3LyDOL9iGQIIoUe3QXNUN1D8qrE4KdXGHluNl7KB32NRVu9JRAXPllKhzW5xSxXgArTgCUN/s1600/mom.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJrRkWOgU7Rg9PKleFFtj6FFxRCjiS5oRmtQYwCIsWT1hWCzx7BgEG96TAuiG35XcZmRPB_3LyDOL9iGQIIoUe3QXNUN1D8qrE4KdXGHluNl7KB32NRVu9JRAXPllKhzW5xSxXgArTgCUN/s1600/mom.bmp" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Sorry, Mom, but you didn't get me the Millennium Falcon for Christmas like I asked when I was six.</i></span></div><br />
(Except you. You are safely in the 1%. You know who you are.)<br />
<br />
I've had an iPhone for a few years, so this means I also have AT&T.<br />
<br />
I do not love AT&T. If you asked me to choose between crab lice and AT&T, please pass the Kwell Shampoo.<br />
<br />
<i>"But, didn't they open up the iPhone to other carriers? Why don't you change?"</i><br />
<br />
What a good question! What clever readers you are!<br />
<br />
My iPhone was a few years old and ran super slow.<a href="http://oldcomputers.net/ts1000.html"> Timex Sinclair</a> slow. (Look it up, kids.) AT&T had a free upgrade! I'll take it!<br />
<br />
AT&T: <i>"There will be a one time upgrade fee of $18."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
ME: <i>"I thought the phone was free."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
AT&T: <i>"Yes, it's free."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
ME: <i>"But you're charging me $18."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
AT&T: <i>"Yes, but not for the phone. The phone is free."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
ME: "<i>You are charging me an upgrade fee because I got a new phone. You would not charge this fee if I did not get a new phone, therefore the phone is not free. It costs $18."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
AT&T: <i>"No, the phone is free!"</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
If you ever wondered about your cell phone charges, this is why. Free=$18.<br />
<br />
Still $18<$200, so I got my "free" phone and a two year contract from AT&T.<br />
<br />
When I signed up for iPhone, I got unlimited data. Unlimited means, well, <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/unlimited">unlimited</a>. All the web surfing you could want, 'cause the iPhone is neat like that.<br />
<br />
Well, one morning while <strike>streaming pornography</strike> reading the New York Times on my phone and pondering the issues of the day in a mature and sensitive fashion, I got a text from AT&T.<br />
<br />
It seems that, at last, I am in the Top 5% of something. <i>(Occupy me! Occupy me!)</i> No, not income. Data usage. Since I had an Unlimited! plan, I foolishly assumed that I didn't have limits on my data usage. Oh no! Now AT&T threatens to "throttle" my data speeds - basically pinch the internet hose so that sweet stream of data is reduced to a trickle - unless I ease up on the browsing.<br />
<br />
So technically, by data is still "unlimited," but unlimited data will now be processed by a 2400 baud dial up modem.<br />
<br />
Comment, Inigo?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/YIP6EwqMEoE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br />
AT&T: Making the cable company look good by comparison.Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-20057844073100554742012-01-30T17:54:00.000-08:002012-01-30T18:00:36.296-08:00Plus ca change...On a recent school holiday, we took our friend and her seven year old son to the <a href="http://www.movingimage.us/">Museum of the Moving Image</a> in Queens. This place is all kinds of awesome and we went mainly to worship at the shrine of Jim Henson. The horror obsessed boy had other ideas (telling us in no uncertain terms that the Muppets were a big waste of time) and wanted to see only the head spinning puppet they used in <i>The Exorcist</i>.<br />
<br />
(A brief note about our friend's son: when we say horror obsessed, we mean <i>obsessed.</i> We've had to field more questions about the origins of Freddy Krueger than anyone on this earth aside from Wes Craven. But, we love the kid. He's lots of fun.)<br />
<br />
Right next to the Exorcist puppet, (and lucky for us since we were there for a while) there was a display about Thomas Edison and his kinetescope films.<br />
<br />
Now, I know it is a pastime for the old and sort of old alike to decry the state of entertainment that the youths of today enjoy. I mean, look at the internet! Countless hours wasted on pointless diversions, like stupid cat videos, like this one:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/0Bmhjf0rKe8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sixty million people have watched this. My <a href="http://www.nbc.com/community/">favorite sitcom</a> was put on hiatus because it can't draw more than 4 million people a week. </span>If only those troglodytes could learn to appreciate smarter humor, like back in Edison's day, when everyone wore a dinner jacket and dress pants to go to work at the factory.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">(You know where this is heading, don't you?)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Presenting, one of the very first movies ever made! Shot by Edison himself at the Black Maria studios!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/k52pLvVmmkU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Yes, the one of the very first things ever committed to film was a stupid cat video.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Just give Transformers 3 an Oscar and let me go back to watching <a href="http://youvestoppedtrying.blogspot.com/2011/07/wipeout.html">Wipeout</a>. </div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-40926485097387265612012-01-10T07:44:00.000-08:002012-01-10T07:44:01.106-08:00Eighties Radio<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://thebuyosphere.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/listening_to_radio.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://thebuyosphere.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/listening_to_radio.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Oooh, I love that Billy Joel! "Uptown girl..."</i></span></div><br />
Ah, the Big 80's sound! Takes me back to those awkward dances in junior high where you wanted to touch a girl, but were <strike>too scared to try</strike> too cool to bother.<br />
<br />
Local station <a href="http://www.wplj.com/">WPLJ</a> has had an 80's themed Saturday night since I moved to New York. While waiting for My Lovely Wife in the supermarket parking lot, I tuned in. What was playing?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/OG3PnQ3tgzY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>If you're blue and you don't know where to go to...</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Taco? Puttin' on the Ritz? I LOVE THIS SONG! Car dance party! I had this on a K-Tel collection (on vinyl!) back in the day!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">After an exhausting 90 seconds of seated rocking, the ads came on. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">"Wow, that all natural remedy you told me about REALLY helped with my menopause hot flashes!"</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Really? I'm in that demographic? Why not throw in a few ads for Depends while you're at it?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">After the break, Springsteen came on. It was <i>Cover Me</i>, from the Born in the USA album. Sang along for a few bars, remembering that this was playing at one of those awkward junior high dances, when it hit me. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>This song is 28 years old.</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="text-align: left;">Some one born the year this song came out could now be hipster douchebag in Brooklyn, ironically Occupying Wall Street. (Can bongo drumming have air quotes?)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">You know what? I'm feeling a little down right now. How about some music from They Might Be Giants to lighten the mood?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/2ltJ8kK4G90?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Fuck it. I'm done. Where's my Jack Daniels?</i></span></div>Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4056850766231294732.post-78594535645768147402012-01-07T22:50:00.000-08:002012-01-07T22:50:33.127-08:00The Devil Inside<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cinemaknifefight.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/hr_the_devil_inside_4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://cinemaknifefight.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/hr_the_devil_inside_4.jpg" width="219" /></a></div><br />
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So, watching TV tonight (Yay <a href="http://youvestoppedtrying.blogspot.com/2011/12/new-years-resolutions.html">New Year's resolutions</a>!) and saw an ad for The Devil Inside. This is the latest crappy horror movie to use fake "found footage." (So if you needed another reason to dislike the overrated <i>Blair Witch Project, </i>there you go.)<br />
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I have no desire to see the movie, but what caught my eye was the declaration in the ad that <i>The Vatican does not want you to see this movie! </i><br />
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Yeah, <a href="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_devil_inside/">because</a> it's <a href="http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-devil-inside,67305/">awful</a>.<br />
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I wish that the Catholic church would show an iota of humor and self awareness and issue a statement like this:<br />
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"The Vatican wishes, in no uncertain terms, to condemn the movie <i>The Devil Inside.</i> Our reasoning has nothing to do with any reasons related to Catholic dogma. Rather, it is an appalling cinematic abortion. (And you know how we feel about abortions!) Really, spend your $13 on tequila or something. (No, it's cool! Water into wine and all that. Just say a rosary afterwards) <i>Anything. </i>Just save your money and give us a little bit as a thank you for steering you clear. (No? Can't fault a guy for trying.)"Victor Catanohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08424398263872654599noreply@blogger.com0