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Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Most Expensive Cup of Ass Juice in The World

"No. I am not going to drink that. That is disgusting."

That is my lovely wife. She is protesting the gift my parents got for me on their recent tax write off vacation very important conference in Bali:


That is Kopi Luwak, allegedly, the most expensive coffee (per pound) in the world. Why is it so expensive? Why does my lovely wife object to drinking it as vociferously as if I was suggesting we convert to Scientology and send all our money to Tom Cruise?

Go ahead and google "the most expensive coffee in the world." I'll wait...

Please enjoy this video while we wait...

Back? So, as you can see, Kopi Luwak attains its flavor by being eaten, partially digested, and then "processed" (i.e. pooped out) by the Palm Civet of Bali and Indonesia. The beans are then washed and roasted and ground up and sold to tourists as a kind of practical joke.

Seriously, this must have been a joke when it was first invented. Some of the farmhands decided to get revenge on their boss by scooping up the civet poop and making coffee out of the half eaten beans. Still, the joke was on them when the boss man loved it and started selling it for $40 a cup.

But Anthony Bourdain seems to like it, so what say we give it a shot?

MY LOVELY WIFE: No. Not in our house.

ME: Why not?

MLW: I do not want to drink poop!

ME: But they wash all the poop off.

MLW: That is not a compelling argument! Besides, we already have a cat! Why don't we just get some poop out of the cat box and throw that in the coffee press?

ME: I don't think you're getting into the spirit of adventure that this requires.

MLW: Do you expect me to kiss you after you drink that?

ME: The poop is all cleaned off!

MLW: Are you sure? REALLY sure?

ME: Um, yes.... I think so...

Needless to say, she remained unpersuaded. So, in the interests of marital harmony, I decided to brew up a pot at work. After emailing my office and warning/hyping of the pot of civet coffee, I only got two volunteers. (Including one who hadn't drunk any coffee in years.)

Still, game on!

Opening the box revealed a vacuum sealed pouch with about 2 ounces of coffee. The coffee was very earthy and thick, kind of like mud.


(MY LOVELY WIFE: Yeah, because it was POOP! IT WAS POOP!)


This coffee smells all nice and flowery...

Um, anyway, it was very aromatic with an almost chocolate smell. (MLW: POOP!) The taste was a little bitter, meaning it had a high caffeine content. (And you could really feel it after a cup! Shaky!) But after a few sips, it had the taste of a very distinctive dark roast, with notes of fruit. My two coworkers agreed that it had a very unique taste, and one really got into it.

Overall, it was good, but it doesn't compare to my favorite non-digested coffees, like the 100% Kona from Hawaii. Much smoother and richer. (MLW: Yeah, because it's NOT POOP!) And there's still the thought in the back of your head... "They fished this out of mongoose poop."

Still, worth the experience! It's not every day you get jittery by drinking something that a tree cat 6000 miles away passed through its buttocks.

And that's probably for the best.

(Update: My wife has advised me against posting this because "Everyone will know you drink poop! Worse, they'll think I drink poop!" So, I add this disclaimer that even if a shirtless Hugh Jackman approached her with a cup of Kopi Luwat she would refuse. My wife does not drink poop.)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sparkle!

I got angry again last week. No, it wasn't ice cream.

Now, I am the last person in the world who should complain about crappy merchandising tie-ins to a popular movie.

After all, I own this. And this. And have this on my Amazon wish list (Hint hint!). And I think this is awesome.

Really, if anyone is ever stuck for a gift for me, they would probably just wander into the nearest store and grab the nearest licensed Star Wars product. I think that's how I got this for Christmas last year. (Yoda's cookies are the tastiest!)

And I own Star Wars video games. And I own Star Wars clothing. And I have all the movies on DVD. (But I am not buying the latest re-edits, BluRay or not. Standards, people.)

But still... really Twilight?


Yes, that is a display for Twilight hair care products I encountered while looking at the LCD TVs at Best Buy. Now you too can look like your favorite Twilight star. Sparkle like Edward!  Mope like Bella! Do... whatever it is the other two in that ad do.

(Note: No Jacob. I guess his hair supplies are at Petco. Zing!)

But that's not the worst thing. No, this is. A white, sparkly dildo you can put in the fridge so it feels like an emo vampire is banging you.

Why does this appall me so? I'll buy any crap with the Star Wars logo on it. (Yes, I know. Obvious joke. So sue me.) So why not let the Twi-people have their own crap?

Because some lines you don't cross! Because space shit is cool! Because I'm annoyed that a Mormon housewife effectively neutered what was once dark and scary. Because I have never seen a Star Wars hair care product...

Vintage Princess Leia Beauty Bag. Oh fuck...

At least there's no Star Wars dildo. (God, there is? Really? Really? I forgot there's no shame anymore)

You know, never mind. I'll just be over here with my vintage My Dinner With Andre action figures. 

video

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Lazy Wear

You're just fucking with me now, aren't you?


Our very first blog post, enshrined forever in the Library of Congress, was about Pajama Jeans.

"Ha ha!" we laughed. "Who would be seen in public in these? Aren't we superior? Yay, us!"

(I'm paraphrasing.)

The point was, how lazy do you have to be to wear pajama jeans in public?

Well, apparently those are Type A Go Getter Alpha males compared to the lumps who wear Forever Lazy.

These are adult sized onesies. They even have a pee flap so you don't have to exert calories to take them off. Alternately, you could just crap your pants.

I was gonna just poop my pants but then I found this zipper...

The ad shows people wearing these in public! People are wearing them at a tailgate party! People give us Eagles fans a bad rap for being rowdy - they booed Santa! - but I hope to god that if anyone showed up at the Linc wearing one of these blob-suits, they'd be beaten with bottles of Yuengling.

C'mon man. Have some self respect.

Horrible as the adult footie is, it did bring back memories, When I was a lad, there was a French cartoon called the Barbapapas that the CBC would play on weekends. They were a family of shape-shifting blobs, and they were charming and European.

Barbapapa, Barbamama, Barba-something...

Watching the Forever Lazy ad and then the cartoon, I realized where they got their inspiration from:

Forever Lazy...


Barbapapa & Barbamama.... Hmmm...

While the lazywear is neither charming nor European, I can see an IP violation a mile away. I think someone better be sending a check to some French animators...

Or at least some themed footie jammies.

And don't get us started on the Snuggie.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Marriage vs Kim Kardashian

In case you missed it while you were Trick-or-Treating,  Kim Kardashian decided to go out dressed as a divorce proceeding for Halloween.

After months of buildup on their various E! Network shows, a 4 hour wedding special, a new spin off series about their life in New York, a wedding that reportedly cost $10 million but also generated $18 million through photo sales, the whole wedding is going to last a total of 72 days, leading to speculation that the whole thing was a publicity stunt.

I mean, holy hell, my broken elbow is going to last longer than the Humphries-Kardashian wedding. That's what you get for putting your faith in the New Jersey Nets.

 I suck at marriage like I suck at basketball.

I only watch E! so I can see Joel McHale on The Soup. The best part is the cross promotion segment called "Let's Take Some E!" where he rips into the horrible celebrity programming on the channel. Whenever he talked about the Kardashians, he would always call them gypsies.  And he's right. they scammed millions of dollars of photo fees and free wedding swag.

The always delightful Kathy Griffin gave her opinion of the wedding. "The phrase that drives me crazy is when people say "They're as close as we have to American royalty." Because I would say they're as close as we have to a family of dirty whores."

The first nine minutes are all Kardashian. You can have Dorothy Parker.

I don't want to get into why the daughter of OJ's late defense attorney has become a household name. I don't want to get into how this gypsy parlayed a boring sex tape into about 15 different reality TV shows. (I mean, have you actually seen that thing? Andy Warhol's Empire has more action. Er... so I've heard.) The search string "Kim Kardashian Divorce" generates 85,100,000 results in 0.14 seconds.  I am loathe to add to the feeding frenzy.

I just want to say one thing.

The evangelicals in this country complain and fear monger about gay marriage constantly. The sanctity of marriage is their battle cry.

Never once heard them complain about awful game shows like Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? or The Bachelor where marriage is the prize and the women are pimping themselves out.

I never hear them complain when two sixteen year old kids get pregnant and then "have to get married." (To quote Tina Fey's Sarah Palin, "Marriage is a holy sacrament between two unwilling teenagers.")

I don't hear them tut-tutting trophy marriages between 65 year old bankers and 25 year old escorts.

And you won't hear them talk about Kim Kardashian's $28 million dollar publicity stunt wedding debasing the institution of marriage, either.

But you will hear them complain about two lesbians in Omaha who have been together for 30 years trying to get married so they can have hospital visitation rights.

Because that's what's really hurting marriage. Right.

But really, this Kardashi-sham of a marriage is an insult to everyone out there, gay or straight, who just wants to get married and have a nice reception with their friends. Treating marriage as a way to promote your name brand recognition or a way to launch a new line of handbags is repulsive.

(But you did have to put up with Justin Bieber at your wedding. So, there's that.)

And don't worry about E! I'm sure they'll retcon the wedding footage into "E!'s Divorce Spectacular: The Prequel!"

Can't wait for part two.