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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Marriage vs Kim Kardashian

In case you missed it while you were Trick-or-Treating,  Kim Kardashian decided to go out dressed as a divorce proceeding for Halloween.

After months of buildup on their various E! Network shows, a 4 hour wedding special, a new spin off series about their life in New York, a wedding that reportedly cost $10 million but also generated $18 million through photo sales, the whole wedding is going to last a total of 72 days, leading to speculation that the whole thing was a publicity stunt.

I mean, holy hell, my broken elbow is going to last longer than the Humphries-Kardashian wedding. That's what you get for putting your faith in the New Jersey Nets.

 I suck at marriage like I suck at basketball.

I only watch E! so I can see Joel McHale on The Soup. The best part is the cross promotion segment called "Let's Take Some E!" where he rips into the horrible celebrity programming on the channel. Whenever he talked about the Kardashians, he would always call them gypsies.  And he's right. they scammed millions of dollars of photo fees and free wedding swag.

The always delightful Kathy Griffin gave her opinion of the wedding. "The phrase that drives me crazy is when people say "They're as close as we have to American royalty." Because I would say they're as close as we have to a family of dirty whores."

The first nine minutes are all Kardashian. You can have Dorothy Parker.

I don't want to get into why the daughter of OJ's late defense attorney has become a household name. I don't want to get into how this gypsy parlayed a boring sex tape into about 15 different reality TV shows. (I mean, have you actually seen that thing? Andy Warhol's Empire has more action. Er... so I've heard.) The search string "Kim Kardashian Divorce" generates 85,100,000 results in 0.14 seconds.  I am loathe to add to the feeding frenzy.

I just want to say one thing.

The evangelicals in this country complain and fear monger about gay marriage constantly. The sanctity of marriage is their battle cry.

Never once heard them complain about awful game shows like Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? or The Bachelor where marriage is the prize and the women are pimping themselves out.

I never hear them complain when two sixteen year old kids get pregnant and then "have to get married." (To quote Tina Fey's Sarah Palin, "Marriage is a holy sacrament between two unwilling teenagers.")

I don't hear them tut-tutting trophy marriages between 65 year old bankers and 25 year old escorts.

And you won't hear them talk about Kim Kardashian's $28 million dollar publicity stunt wedding debasing the institution of marriage, either.

But you will hear them complain about two lesbians in Omaha who have been together for 30 years trying to get married so they can have hospital visitation rights.

Because that's what's really hurting marriage. Right.

But really, this Kardashi-sham of a marriage is an insult to everyone out there, gay or straight, who just wants to get married and have a nice reception with their friends. Treating marriage as a way to promote your name brand recognition or a way to launch a new line of handbags is repulsive.

(But you did have to put up with Justin Bieber at your wedding. So, there's that.)

And don't worry about E! I'm sure they'll retcon the wedding footage into "E!'s Divorce Spectacular: The Prequel!"

Can't wait for part two.

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