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Friday, February 24, 2012


 "Can I help you? Probably not."

I have an iPhone. I love my iPhone. If you asked me to choose between my iPhone and 99% of the people I have met in my life, it was nice knowing you.

 Sorry, Mom, but you didn't get me the Millennium Falcon for Christmas like I asked when I was six.

(Except you. You are safely in the 1%. You know who you are.)

I've had an iPhone for a few years, so this means I also have AT&T.

I do not love AT&T. If you asked me to choose between crab lice and AT&T, please pass the Kwell Shampoo.

"But, didn't they open up the iPhone to other carriers? Why don't you change?"

What a good question! What clever readers you are!

My iPhone was a few years old and ran super slow. Timex Sinclair slow. (Look it up, kids.) AT&T had a free upgrade! I'll take it!

AT&T: "There will be a one time upgrade fee of $18."

ME: "I thought the phone was free."

AT&T: "Yes, it's free."

ME: "But you're charging me $18."

AT&T: "Yes, but not for the phone. The phone is free."

ME: "You are charging me an upgrade fee because I got a new phone. You would not charge this fee if I did not get a new phone, therefore the phone is not free. It costs $18."

AT&T: "No, the phone is free!"

If you ever wondered about your cell phone charges, this is why. Free=$18.

Still $18<$200, so I got my "free" phone and a two year contract from AT&T.

When I signed up for iPhone, I got unlimited data. Unlimited means, well, unlimited. All the web surfing you could want, 'cause the iPhone is neat like that.

Well, one morning while streaming pornography reading the New York Times on my phone and pondering the issues of the day in a mature and sensitive fashion, I got a text from AT&T.

It seems that, at last,  I am in the Top 5% of something. (Occupy me! Occupy me!) No, not income. Data usage. Since I had an Unlimited! plan, I foolishly assumed that I didn't have limits on my data usage. Oh no! Now AT&T threatens to "throttle" my data speeds - basically pinch the internet hose so that sweet stream of data is reduced to a trickle - unless I ease up on the browsing.

So technically, by data is still "unlimited," but unlimited data will now be processed by a 2400 baud dial up modem.

Comment, Inigo?

AT&T: Making the cable company look good by comparison.

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