We've got beer, and in honor of the LA Times article revealing that the Academy voters are even older, whiter, and maler the previously thought, I have ordered the Papa John's SausageFest Pizza.
8:00 And we're on the red carpet! I know, E! has been on the Red Carpet since 12 PM yesterday, but I would sooner jam a cooking thermometer in my ears than listen to Joan Rivers for more than 13 nanoseconds.
Joan, we appreciate that you are a pioneer for women in comedy, but you've been a caricature for about 15 years now.
8:05 I guess you've arrived in Hollywood when the Oscar hosts ask you to break out your terrible Christopher Walken impression. Welcome, Bradley Cooper.
8:08 Here come the briefcases! This is like the Academy Awards for accountants.
8:10 Seriously, wouldn't you love to pull a switch on those guys? "And the award for best picture goes to... Jack and Jill?"
8:12 George Clooney must be some kind of wizard. Handsome, oscar-winning actor who has dated a string of gorgeous women, and no one feels the least bit jealous of him. Harry Potter must be scratching his head.
8:15 Sandra Bullock looks nice. The announcer is going out of her way to not mention a certain ex-husband of hers. It would be awesome if a tearful Jessie James came running up the aisle when she was presenting to beg her to take him back. "C'mon baby! Rihanna took back Chris Brown!"
8:20 Oh boy! We are going to be carpet bombed for four hours with promos for ABC's craptacular programming. Kirstin Chenowith, I love you on Broadway but there's no way I'm watching a southern fried rip off of Desperate Housewives.
8:22 Natalie Portman gets to the heart of why the Academy was so quick to bring back Billy Crystal, despite him not saying a funny joke in about 20 years. "He's not going to be mean!" Oooo, this is going to be a long four hours.
8:23 The show producer: "Billy's got an AMAZING opening medley!" Is it too early to switch to tequila?
8:26 I have never been so embarrased for a comedian as to see Chris Rock pimp for the brilliance that is Billy Crystal. They are REALLY pushing him hard.
(Not that Eddie Murphy - the original host - has had a much better late career period. Imagine That? Norbit?)
8:30 Morgan Freeman! I feel so reassured.
8:31 Oh, that feeling passed. Billy's putting himself in a montage where he appears in all the movies. It's the only way he can get in a good movie these days.
Justin Beiber is here. Pander-iffic!
8:35 That's some cutting edge Tintin parody there.
8:37 "Just call me War Horse!" Erg. No glue factory tag up?
8:38 OK, props for the Kodak "Chapter 11" theater joke.
8:39 Oh fuck. Please don't sing.
8:40 Jean Dujardin has a bemused look as Billy sings about him in The Artist. He speaks barely any english, I envy him.
8:41 Clooney is smiling gamely, but Billy just cost himself a part in Ocean's 19.
8:42 My friend is on Worst Cooks in America and he's having a viewing party at 9. If I leave now, I could make it in time...
8:43 First Award: Cinematography! Likely Tree of Life. The waving grass is pretty.
8:44 No! Hugo! Those tracking shots were amazing.
8:45 Now that is a rocking hairdo! Hang ten, brother!
8:46 Art Direction: Hugo looked phenomenal, and I've only seen that and Harry Potter.
8:47 Hugo! Could we have an upset? Probably not. Hugo will do well in the craft awards.
8:48 Um, I loved Hugo, but how is Art Directing a movie set in Paris about the early days of silent French film a win for Italy?
8:49 I must admit, I have only seen two of the nine best picture nominees - Hugo and Moneyball - and I have little interest in any of the others outside of The Artist. My Lovely Wife wanted to see it together, so I wait until we are reunited in Orlando. (Woody! Your new movie title: Reunited in Orlando!)
8:50 Rather than recount the string of groaners Billy is reeling off, I am going to close my eyes and sing Journey songs for the next sixty seconds.
8:51 DON'T STOP...BELIEVING! (Is he still going?) HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING!
8:52 Christ, another montage? Reminding us all of all the better movies that were made in years past.
They keep looking for ways to cut down on the running time. How 'bout we knock off these montages? The only one I have ever enjoyed was the one where Woody Allen introduced a tribute to New York after 9/11. The rest are just time filler.
8:54 Costumes! This usually means Most and Biggest Period Costumes. That would be Anonymous, but that film was god awful. Maybe Hugo again? The Georges Melies stuff was good.
8:55 No! The Artist! It was hard picking all of the tuxedos.
8:57 Makep! It really should be Harry Potter, but it will probably be that Maggie Thatcher prosthetic.
8:58 J-Lo and Cameron hiding their oscar boobies.
8:59 Iron Lady! Meh. Voldemort will have his revenge.
9:00 Another montage. "The first movie I saw!" I don't care. Can you please stop trying to sell me on The Magic of the Movies! I'm already watching this damn show.
9:06 Foreign Film! And are we really doing a pidgin language bit? Where did they find these Catskills writers?
9:07 Should be A Separation, but there is a holocaust film!
9:08 A Separation! One of the few times the most critically acclaimed film has won the award. And the director looks an awful lot like Ben Kingsley playing Georges Melies. And anything that helps to promote artistic freedom in Iran is good.
9:09 What's with Nick Nolte's slow clap for Christian Bale? Is he just drunk? And they aren't all first timers! Janet McTeer for Tumbleweeds! 1999!
9:10 Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spenser of The Help is the favorite here, but this category is full of upsets. Remember when Lauren Bacall was a shoo-in, only to lose to the younger and prettier Juliette Binoche? This category often rewards the young, fresh faces, i.e. the actress the old white men most want to fuck. (How else do you explain an Oscar for Kim Basinger? Mira Sorvino??? You realize they have more acting Oscars than Charlie Chaplin, Judy Garland, and Gene Kelly combined?) So, there could be a Jessica Chastain upset. But, if there’s one thing the Academy likes as much as fucking, it’s making BIG STATEMENTS about race. Two black actreses have never won for the same movie before
9:11 I would really love it if Melissa McCarthy won. Go Sookie! Yay Gilmore Girls!
9:12 Winner: Octavia Spenser! So, it seems we are in for an upset free evening.
9:13 Wow, standing ovation! And she seems genuinely happy!
9:14 Don't wrap up Octavia! It's one thing to give the high sign to the third sound editor on Transformers, but the only speeches people care about are the actor and director ones. Don't cut them off! Gotta make room for more montages!
9:18 "That moment for Octavia Spenser is what the Oscars are all about." What, getting cut off during your big emotional moment?
9:19 Wizard of Oz focus group! You realize this is the first time we got the Christopher Guest improv gang back together since their Oscar parody film "For Your Consideration."
"The Good Witch is a cruel jokester!"
9:22 Editing! If Thelma Schoolmaker wins, we could have a Hugo upset brewing. Other wise, it's going to be all Artist.
9:24 Dragon Tattoo! Well, I guess the academy likes David Fincher's editors if not David Fincher's directing. I dunno. That movie could have been about 20 minutes shorter.
The two guys were so genuinely surprised they couldn't even finish their speech.
9:25 Sound Editing! If the majesty of Transformers is not recognized...
9:26 Hugo! That make three. And all those gears sounded cool.
9:27 "Hugo!" "No, Hugo." We're taking the Oscar back now.
9:28 Sound mixing! Your second chance to honor transformers!
9:29 Winner: Hugo! That movie was pretty fucking charming. I love Marty. Movies like Raging Bull and Taxi Driver are why I went to film school. Still, it’s hard to believe the man that brought such a raw jittery feel to Mean Streets is the same director as Hugo.
9:34 Muppets! Yay! (My Lovely Wife texts: Miss Piggy is Smokin'! (Get it? Smoked Ham)
9:35 Cirque du Soleil! Uhhhhhhgggg. AS if the films nominated weren't French enough.
9:38 So, there's time for a five minute Cirque du Soleil wankfest, but Octavia Spenser got told to wrap it up? Racist!
9:40 Gwynnie & Downey! Do we get an Iron Man joke?
9:41 No, a stupid riff on that stupid Joaquin Phoenix movie.
9:44 Documentary: Paradise Lost had better goddamn win, having helped to get three people out of prison, but it’s entirely possible that the Academy’s anti-TV bias may come into play. Also their bias against documentaries that are interesting, entertaining, and reach a wide audience. (No, I’m not still upset about them snubbing Hoop Dreams. Why do you ask?) No holocaust films this year, so maybe Joe Berlinger has a shot.
9:45 Really? The football team movie? Fuck you documentary wing.
9:47 Animated feature! Kung Fu Panda 2. What. The. Fuck. It would be nice if the hand drawn Spanish movie Chico & Rita could pull this out, but it’s probably the quirky and oddball Rango. Coraline, you picked the wrong year to get released.
9:48 And no surprise. Rango wins.
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