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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Oscar Live Blog, Continued!

Two hours in, time for a new thread.

9:52 Yay Melissa McCarthy! Go steal Octavia's Oscar!

9:53 Best Visual Effect is NOT Emma Stone's dress.

9:54: Real Steel deserves to win. Why? They built REAL FIGHTING ROBOTS! How awesome is that! It was not all CGI!

9:55 Emma, you're cute. Stop being meta.

9:56 I mean, don't you want a real fighting robot? Honey, I want one for my birthday!

9:56 Probably be Planet of the Apes. If Transformers wins, I'll key an Autobot.

9:57 Hugo! Can anyone stop the Hugo juggernaut? And the steampunk thing looked very cool.

9:58 Best Supporting Actor! Best Supporting Actor: Chris Plummer deserved some kind of award for keeping a straight face during Sound  of Music. He’ll probably get one here for playing an older gay man. That’s like Oscar bingo!

9:59 It's Plummer! They didn't even have time to get the people up on the screen before he was announced. I have heard stories from people who have worked with him that he is a terrible lech. Don't grope Melissa! She'll cut you!

10:01 Another standing O! And his speech is charming and funny. If the director cuts him off I will send an off key children's choir over to his house to sing Lonely Goatherd for six hours.

10:07 Again, rather than comment on Billy's string of groaners, I will close my eyes and sing Journey songs.

10:08 I WILL LOVE YOU...(Still going?)  FAITHFULLY!

10:09 Nolte looks like a drunken Santa Claus.

10:10 Couldn't we have gotten Uggie to host? It would be funnier.

10:11 Really, two hours to go?

10:12 Penelope Cruz looks stunning! Owen Wilson looks like he rolled out of a hammock.

10:13 Best Score: Is this where the Artist starts its run?

10:14 It is! Better alert the rape crisis center. Kim Novak will be giving you a call.

10:16 It's the token wacky presenter bit! Will Ferrell is always fun.

10:17 Best Song! Muppets better god damn win or I will personally kill those stupid birds from Rio.

10:18 Yay! Making up for the slight they gave Rainbow Connection all those years ago. Now half of Flight of the Conchords has an Oscar! Rub it in Jermaine Clement's face, Brett!

10:25 Angelina Jolie presents adapted screenplay! Moneyball was amazing in that it managed to make a book about calculating batting averages into fascinating movie. Still, I'd be happy if Descendants won, since Dean Pelton from Community is nominated. 

10:27 Descendants! Now we HAVE to bring back Community, if only so Jim Rash can use it as a prop in the Dean's office, and Joel McHale and Danny Pudi can make jokes about how Moneyball was better. 

10:28 Seriously NBC, bring back Community.

10:29 I so want Bridesmaids, but it's going to be Woody Allen

10:30 Woody! Come on man, your clarinet gig is Monday nights. Come and pick up the Oscar!

But really, original screenplay? Woody Allen complains about the philistines who don’t understand his art and how culture used to be better. Yes, this is fresh new ground for him. Although, I’ll give him the “things used to be better part.” Like back when you made films like Bullets over Broadway, Annie Hall, and Bananas.

10:35 The Bridesmaids! What award will they get stuck with? Oh they're making dick jokes. Time for the short films!

10:39 These are the pool breakers, here. No one knows any of these. No one has seen any. Are there any Holocaust movies? If not your guess is as good as mine. 

10:40 The Shore wins. Yay? Who knows. It's a great moment for the film makers and he says a nice thing about his fiance.

10:42 Documentary Short. I know nothing about these movies except they often have AWESOME acceptance speeches. Google "King Gimp" or look up the acceptance speech fight the producers of "Music by Prudence" had a few years back. That is some fun right there.

10:43 Saving Face. Sure, why not?

10:44 Animated Short! La Luna looks cute in the clips. 

10:45 The Fantastic Flying Books Of Morris Lesmore! Sounds like an old Troy McClure joke title. 

10:50 Occupy Wall Street jokes. Blargh. Can we occupy Billy's writer room until they get better jokes?

10:51 Best Director! Here's where it comes down to Hugo or Artist. If Michel French Last name wins, it's the Artist for best picture. If Marty wins his second Oscar, Hugo will get it. Splits between best director and best picture are rare, last happening in 2005. 

10:52: Michel! The Artist is going to get Best Picture.

10:54 Am I crazy or is this going to end by 11:30 PM? We got best picture and the two acting awards and the Faces of Death montage, right?

10:55 Meryl Streep! A word anout her 17 nominations. She has 17 nominations because most years the Academy is trying to find five roles worthy of nominating and Meryl’s a safe bet to round out the category. Can you think of any other reason she was nominated for her role as an inner city violin teacher in Wes Craven’s (!) Music of my Heart? Now, if she had taught Freddy Kreuger how to play fiddle…

10:56 Why the fuck does Oprah get an honorary Oscar??? She's been in two movies! But, at least Darth Vader has won an Oscar. (No, not Hayden Christiansen. I'm going to punch anyone who thought that.)

11:00 My Lovely Wife just texted me that someone blew his nose into his hand and then wiped it on her hotel door. I guess he was pissed about Oprah getting an Oscar, too!

11:03 Faces of Death! Not to harp on this, but the two oscar producers Billy just eulogized both got more time than Farrah Fawcett did.

11:05 Of course Whitney has to be here. They put Michael Jackson in on the strength of Captain EO.

11:06 Steve Jobs? I know he was an original Pixar investor, but is that even the tenth thing you think about when you hear Steve Jobs' name? 

11:10 Ashley Judd is not CIA! She is a mother looking for her son!!! Pass.

11:12 Another montage. Hey, did you hear? Movies are magical! You know what the last film I saw was? Ghost Rider. Feel the magic.

11:13 Best Actor! I really liked Brad Pitt in Moneyball, but most Oscar pundits think this is a two way race between Jean Dujardin and George Clooney. Poor Brad Pitt! He gets no respect! He’ll cry himself to sleep on his bed made out of money while spooning Angelina Jolie. Life is so unfair.

11:14 I really hate this style of presentation, where the presenter talks directly to the nominee and tells him how brave and great he was in the role. What are they going to say? "Hey George. Pretty good. Not your best work though."

11:15 Dujardin! Wow, that's a minor surprise! Unfortunately, his Oscar speech does not come close to Roberto Begnini's insanity when he won for Life is Beautiful. "I love your country!" is a good line, though.

11:24 Best Actress time, presented by Colin Firth. I have yet to see King's Speech. I am sure it's good but it just seemed like it was thought up by the Oscar-Tron 2000 awards generator. Based on True Events! Period Film! Royalty! British Accents! World War II! Jackpot!

11:25 The pundits agree this is all sewn up for Viola Davis. Meryl will win oscar number 3 someday.

11:27 "Meryl... Mamma Mia!" I was wrong. They could say something decent in this presentation style. 

11:29 The winner is... Meryl! Well that is a surprise! 

11:30 Not going to lie. I was ready to hit send on "The winner is Viola Davis." 

11:31 I guess that argument her agents used worked. "You realize it's been 30 years since she won her last one, right?" Too bad every review of this movie has said that she is a great performance trapped in a horrible movie. 

11:32 I guess that means we should get ready for Best Picture Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

11:33 Best Picture thoughts:

The Help: White girls end racism! I didn’t hear a thank you, black America!

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: I’ll steal a line from Deadspin: “Wasn't 9/11 so cute, you guys? I'll never forget that day, because 2,500 died and then I got to go on a TREASURE HUNT!” Yeah, no.

War Horse: I can’t think of a Spielberg film I have ever wanted to see less. And I even  liked Always.

Midnight in Paris: Woody Allen does the Woody Allen thing.

Descendants: Clooney’s wife is in a coma. I got nothing. Especially no real desire to see this.

Tree of Life: I liked Thin Red Line and Badlands, but Terrence Malick’s movies veer from fascinating to stultifying in the blink of an eye (and that eye blink can last for all eternity and encompass the whole universe. With lens flare.) Still, dinosaurs?

The Artist: So French! So Silent! The dog is so cute!

Hugo: One of the two best picture nominees I have seen. I loved this. It’s an utterly charming movie. The only mistsep is Sasha Baron Cohen’s character of the Station Inspector who chases after Hugo the whole film. Look, I understand that there needs to be a villain to help raise the stakes and drive the narrative, but he comes off as a more over the top version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Moneyball: The other best picture nominee I’ve seen. I thought this was a cracker jack entertainment (Ha! See what I did there?) about baseball and Brad Pitt’s struggle to stay handsome despite eating a Twinkie in every scene of this movie. (Do you think Jonah Hill got annoyed having to watch Pitt shove junk food in his face for weeks of filming and not gain an ounce?)  Very entertaining movie that somehow made the calculation of batting averages seem exciting, although it has been pointed out that the A’s were hardly the Bad News Bears they were made to seem in the film. They had the AL MVP plus three 20 game winners. 

11:35 Best Picture: The Artist! The second silent film to win best picture. Everybody I know who has seen this has loved it. I guess I'll take their word for it.

11:40 Thus ends another year of film awards. (Oh wait! Not quite!) Thus ends another visit with Billy Crystal.  And we clock out at... 3 hours 10 minutes! That has to be some kind of record! Thank you academy! Amazing that a community of tv and film professionals could find a way to keep the show under 4 hours.

And thus ends the live blog. I hope you enjoyed it. Join us again for more blogging adventures to come. 

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