Quality Television

Obviously, Starz, this is why I am paying you $12 a month.

You can't get me Captain America or Thor, but Jack and Jill you can get.

In fact, Jack and Jill,  I blame you for TomKat's divorce. Katie realized life was too short too carry on a charade after having her soul sucked out by Adam Sandler in this movie.

At least you carry the epic cheese fest that is Spartacus.

Apparently, our definitions of "amusement" are very different.

A short play...


MY LOVELY WIFE: Hey, guess what my friends at work told me?

ME: What?

MLW: They heard from their friends over at (Rival Amusement Park) that they're going to build an Avatar ride!

ME: Wow, that sounds cool!

MLW: I know, right? That movie was so beautiful. You could go up the floating mountains, ride on those dragon things...

ME: Have sex with the cat people!

MLW: ...


ME: What?

MLW: Why would you say that?

ME: What? You didn't think Zoe Saldana was cute as a cat lady?

MLW: It's Disney! Do you really think Disney would include cat sex as part of their million dollar ride?

ME: What? It's an amusement park ride. That would amuse me!

MLW (muttering): You know, they say there are lots of gators in the swamps down here...

I mean, come on! Why am I the bad guy here?

Taxonomy & Shame

Dear Cici's "Pizza",

Although it is round, has a crust, and you pile shit toppings on it, I do not think that this can be legally called pizza:

Kraft Dinner + Crust ≠ Pizza. It's just math.

(In case that's not clear, this is a Mac & Cheese Pizza.)

I understand the thought process. "Pizza's Italian! Pasta's Italian! People will eat anything with cheese on it! Go for it!" Still, just because one can do a thing does not mean one should do a thing. 

And your Cheeseburger "pizza,"

What's that red stuff? That can't be ketchup...can it? 

I get it. What's more American than a cheeseburger? Cheeseburger pizza! 

(Yes, there is an apple pie pizza. It's for dessert!)

In case you hadn't guessed, I am back in the Land of Buffets - Central Florida. Cici's Pizza is a cheap pizza buffet where you can cram yourself full of pizza, pasta, and cinnamon rolls for about $6. 

Cici's always seems like a good idea. For the first six slices. 

Even as I start to dig in, I know in my head and my heart that one slice of cheese pizza from an average New York pizzeria is preferable to 12 slices of whatever Cici's has thawed out that day. 

Plus the pizza's not all that good. There's a lot of it, and I hope you like meat on it because the veggie options are few and far between. The day I went, there was one pizza that had vegetables on it. It sat on the heat rack, all sad and lonely. 

There is also a pathetic little bowl of lettuce next to some fixin's, and they can apparently call that salad.

Really, compared to this Olive Garden is a bistro in Rome. 

But, shamefully, I must confess that I kind of like the mac & cheese pizza. 

Really, I'd be less ashamed to admit to spending my paycheck on strippers and meth. (NOTE TO MY WIFE: That's a joke, honey! Really!)

Oh, my poor mother. As a child, she would make sicilian pizza from scratch, spending all day pounding down the rising dough, simmering the sauce, grating cheese. And here I am wolfing down round bread with any old toppings on it.

My Sicilian great-grandparents are rolling in their graves. Wha' a-happen' to you? I blame it on my parents growing up in south east Pennsylvania. The scrapple deadened their taste buds.

No, blaming your parents is the coward's way out. I must own my shame. And I must now return to my hotel...

Which is next door to a Cici's.

Maturity is Overrated

Myrtle Beach, SC


ME: Snicker....


MY LOVELY WIFE: What?

ME: (Pointing) Hee...


MLW: What, the store?

ME: (Laughing) How do they know the dolphin is gay? Did he come on to a lifeguard? Did he get flirty with a surfer?

MLW: (Rolling eyes) It's too damn hot for this. Come on, we have to get going.

ME: Hang on.

MLW: Would you stop? People will think there's something wrong with you. It just means happy dolphins!

ME: I'll bet that dolphin's happy! Look at the fabulous souvenirs he can wear while he's cruising in the shallows!

MLW: I hope you and the dolphin are very happy together. I'll see you at the car.

ME: (Sigh) Coming...

America Explained

Celebration, FL, is a prefab community near Orlando. It was created by Disney.

Yes, that was a little Stepford Wife chill you felt just there.

It strives very hard to create the perfect little Smalltown, USA, and it mostly succeeds. It is beautiful, especially when you sit near the prefab lake in the prefab town square that was designed to look like a place that Scout and Atticus would call home.

As you enjoy your iced tea (from Starbucks - retro only goes so far), you sit back in one of the big wooden plantation rocking chairs the town has placed around the prefab lake and you look up...

A skywriter is helpfully pointing out that "Jesus Loves U." And Jesus must also love emoticons. I was driving, so I couldn't take a picture of his first message: "God + U = :-)"

This was my quintessential American experience. I sat on the edge of a man made lake in a prefab town that was trying to make me nostalgic for a past I never experienced, drinking iced tea from one of the biggest corporate chains in America, and then a skywriter pooped religion on top of everything.

God Bless America.

I was on the edge of a profound understanding of this country, but then I started jonesing for gravy and it was time to go.

Restaurants That I Am Glad Are Not Within 100 Miles of My House.

It's been a while since I've posted. My wife has been working in Orlando at a Major Themed Attraction that shall remain nameless, although (hint) it has recently opened a magical new attraction based on a famous book.

No, not the Holy Land Experience.

Hey, c'mon! Quit hogging the Cross Ride!

She's been there for the past two months, so anytime I'm not working I try and get down to see her.

Orlando is a fantastic place, especially in the spring. It's sunny and warm and there are beaches not too far away.

However, healthy eating is not a priority.

I can understand this. Orlando recently passed New York as the USA's #1 tourist destination. When families are on vacation, they don't think about vegetables. (For years as a child, the only time we went to McDonald's was on our annual road trip to Massachusetts to see Granny. Those were happy times.)

But still... It's like Carb Heaven up in here. The roads are nothing but mile after mile of chain restaurants. Friday's, Friendly's, Denny's. Perkin's, Chili's, Shoney's, Ponderosa...

One week before I was eating in high end bistros in New York with my friend the cheese critic. Now I am debating seriously whether to have the $5 Chinese buffet or the $4 gravy tub. I was on vacation, I indulged myself.

And since I have the willpower of a depressed alcoholic at a keg party, I now present a list of restaurants that I am glad are not in New York City. Because I would eat at them all at least once a week and my blood stream would thicken into a a sludge of cholesterol.

1. All You Can Eat Buffets

The first time I came to Orlando about 10 years back, I was amazed at the number of all you can eat buffets. I was also amazed that many were labelled "All you CARE to eat." As in, yes, we know you can cram an enormous amount of food down your distended gullet, and yes, we know you want to get your $6.95 worth of jello and sesame chicken, but, you know, you could just eat until you're full. You know, whatever. Just please don't have a coronary on our property. Waddle on over to Burger King. They have better liability insurance.

Time for fourths! I can still squeeze in a few more shrimp.

There really aren't very many all you can eat places in New York. The rents are too high to let you make money by giving gluttons a bottomless feedbag for $8. 

To be sure, New York has some fancy-pants options, but these are not in the spirit of the suburban buffet table, and they are about three times as expensive. 

No, I am thinking of the endless Chinese food buffet, or the Golden Corral buffet chain. They're as common as alligators down there. If you've seen their ads during a Law & Order marathon on TNT, you know they offer an endless buffet with a chocolate fountain for about $10. 

I've eaten at Golden Corral in Orlando twice. The first time was fine. The second time the endless buffet gave me endless diarrhea in an airport bathroom. But that was before the chocolate fountain! 50-50? I likes them odds!

Closest One to My House: Delran, NJ 88.4 miles away

Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: Zero. The $10 dollar buffet is tempered by the $40 in gas a round trip would take.

2. Bob Evans

Stop it, I'm going to cry...

 

 I don't know a whole lot about the Bob Evans menu. Not that I haven't been there a lot, mainly because I only ever order two things. 

Biscuits.

And sausage gravy.

And the biscuits are secondary. They serve primarily as a gravy-delivery device. (And they're good biscuits! Just that gravy...)

....

Sorry, I went to a happy place for a minute there. Oh gravy... The sausage chunks, the texture, the gooeyness...

 

Ok. The only problem i have with the gravy is that it comes in two sizes: bowl and cup. I want a sausage gravy fountain. I want hot flowing gravy to fill up a Big Gulp cup. I want a 10,000 calorie gravy milkshake. I want you TO READ MY SUGGESTIONS BOB EVANS EMPLOYEES! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!!! YOU THINK THAT RESTRAINING ORDER CAN KEEP ME AWAY?!?!?!

Closest One to My House: Mount Laurel, NJ 91.5 miles away

Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: 50%. Seriously, you have to try that gravy.

3. Krispy Kreme

Yes, there is a sad little Krispy Kreme express in Penn Station. It is not the same as the massive suburban ones in the south that have a conveyor belt of delicious, hot donuts being covered in a liquid sugar glaze. You do not chew real hot Krispy Kremes. They dissolve in your mouth.

I do not believe in your "Hot Now" sign, Penn Station Krispy Kreme. You are a false prophet. 


Closest (Real) One to My House: Collingswood, NJ 99 Miles

Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: 35% They are good, but I can probably melt a bag of sugar on the stove and drink it down to get the same effect.

4. Chick-Fil-A

 A portion of our proceeds goes to help illiterate cows.

I blame my wife for this. One time we stayed at a hotel in Baltimore that was directly behind a Chick-Fil-A. It emitted some of the foulest odors I have ever experiences. Fortunately, the god-fearin' chain makes all of their stores close on Sundays, so we at least got one day of rest.

When MLW told me that she was now hooked on Chick-Fil-A, I was surprised to say the least. She went there with friends who swore by the place. They were different here, she explained.

And boy, were they! Thick, boneless breasts! Crispy coating! They are a revelation. (And Chick-Fil-A is into revelations. The lemonade cup advertised a leadership conference with noted NFL mediocrity and champion God-botherer Tim Tebow.)

Their fries suck though. I guess perfect fries are an affront to God or something.

Closest One to My House: I think it's in Maryland or somewhere... wait, what? Ok, time to wrap this up.

Chances I'd be tempted to drive out to one: Ok, here's the problem. The food is amazing, but they donate heavily to anti-gay marriage groups. What to do? Every time you go to a Chick-Fil-A, donate an equal amount of money to Freedom To Marry or some other gay rights group. (You could even donate it in the name of Doodles the Chicken, Chick-Fil-A's fired mascot.) And then jog a lap, cause deep fried chicken isn't all that good for you.

More posts about the Orlando experience to come... Time for chicken.

Why Revolutions Happen

You know who has it rough? I mean really rough? I mean, oh my god you would not believe the trials and tribulations this poor group of put upon, hated, misunderstood people have to endure.

The poor bankers of Wall Street who didn't get their bonuses this year.

I mean, can you imagine the hardship? Like the article said, they had to go to Fairway! In Brooklyn!!

Never mind that Fairway is one of the best grocery stores in New York City and my cheese blogger friend insists on going to visit their cheese counter when she comes to town. There is a principle involved! How can you adjust to bargain basement smoked salmon when you are used to Nova being hand delivered to your door by an authentic fisherman in a wool cap who says "Arrr?" I mean, really!

And they can barely afford to keep their kids in Connecticut private schools! Don't even mention public schools! Some things are too gauche!

I think we need some background music:

Do you wonder why Occupy Wall Street happened? Do you wonder why Republican image guru Frank Luntz instructed his clients not to use the word "capitalism?" Because of clueless dimwits like these, people who honestly think they are suffering earning "only" $350K a year. (The same way that Mitt Romney "only" made $374K from speaking engagements which, according to him, was "not very much.")

This American Life had a story about some of these guys awhile back, Wall Street guys who honestly think Obama is trying to destroy capitalism, despite propping them up with a few trillion dollars. The reporter was genuinely speechless that the young Patrick Batemans didn't think they should say thanks to the taxpayers for bailing them out. Didn't even cross their minds. That was just the cost of doing business with them.

The name of that episode? Crybabies.

It's hard to imagine even Marie Antoinette acting as cavalierly. "Let them eat $5.99/lb lox? That sounds a little out of touch."

It's hard to tell whether the Bloomberg reporter is seriously reporting on this subject or if he has his tongue in cheek. Gawker takes the latter view, saying his beat is to give the rich their lengths of hangman's rope. I sincerely hope so, but New York papers for the well to do have often written about poor rich people.

There was a brief movie trend in the early '90's (okay, there were two movies) where rich assholes were forced to live in poverty for a month and therefore learn that money isn't everything and become better people. Both movies bombed horribly, but they have given me an idea.

How about a reality show, where we take these banksters and make them live like regular middle class earners for a few months? Watch them clip coupons! Take the subway! It'll be gripping!

Then - and here's the fun part for the viewer - we don't give them back their money! Heck, we don't even have to turn on the cameras! Just tell them them they're on a TV show. We can pay a film student to follow them around with empty cameras just for show.

And then we can leave them in their Henry Hill lives - ordering egg noodles with ketchup.

And we'll keep the tip money.