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Sunday, September 11, 2011

My Elbow - Part III

After the fall and the surgery, I am back and ensconsed in my Manhattan lair. We now come to What We Have Learned. It's a very special blog today.

- If you want more drugs in the ER, be nice! Don't yell. I got lots of morphine and percosets by politely asking. The woman next to me had a panic attack and then got verbally abusive to the nurses, so you could see why they were less than enthusiastic about giving her more meds.
But you asked so nicely! 

- It is very hard to brush your teeth with your left hand. Not that it's just difficult, but it just feels wrong. Try it! Brush your teeth left handed and it feels like the dentist in Marathon Man is poking around in there. The same goes for just about every other bathroom task you can imagine. And buttoning your pants! Between the one hand and the pain killer constipation, you will feel very bloated. Can't... button... these... jeans!

- Hospital remotes don't go backwards. They are designed to be simple, so the weak and frail can handle them. There is one button, so if you want to change channels during commercials, you'd better be fast on the trigger. (Tip: In order to go back quickly, turn the tv off and then back on. You'll usually reset back to channel 2)

- Human flesh starts to turn zombie grey after not washing for a few days. I haven't had a full shower since the accident, and I've had to resort to sponge baths. When I suggested showering the nurse ( one of the boy ones) cringed like I had suggested pouring hot oil on myself. There are places on my arms that were hard to reach on my one handed sponge baths, and after a few days, my wife was worried that I was becoming undead .

I am independant and while it's nice to be sponged, it also feels WRONG to have my wife do it. I was raised in Canada, I don't like to be a bother. My wife is making me write that I didn't ASK to be bathed I just did it myself - like a big boy. Because I wasn't washing my hand (which is actually because I'm not using it and washing both hands is hard since the surgery), I was turning grey.

I washed my hands and I was back to the land of the living. No more zombie husband. (Sigh)

- On the bright side, I can get caught up on all that TV I've been missing. Seriously, do you know how hard I've worked to avoid Lost for the last seven years? Now I can get disappointed in one long weekend!

- There really is a limit to how much Law & Order/CSI/NCIS/Closer/Burn Notice the human body can tolerate before it starts to reject it like a bad kidney transplant. (And that makes Jerry Orbachs the equivalent of the AB blood type. He's the universal donor.)

- I can also see how easy it could be to allow yourself to slide all the way into sloth.  I've only been doing this a week - I am usually a very active person.
It's hard to get washed and dressed with one arm, so eventually you don't bother. Besides, you aren't going anywhere, so why worry? There are DVDs and reality TV shows to be watched. Food can be delivered. Before you know it, they have to knock out a wall of your apartment to airlift you out of a mound of peanut butter jars.( my wife is not going to let this happen so don't worry about me).

- On the plus side, people are more willing to help you move things. And I don't even own a van! But I wouldn't be able to do what Buffalo bill does- I REALLY only CAN use one arm.

(Unfortunately, the landlord wouldn't install the pit like I asked. We have plenty of room for one!)

- And, finally, it's wonderful to be married to someone who genuinely loves you, in spite of you basically just taking up space for the last week. We've spent the whole week in close quarters with no problems. So, if you get hurt and are housebound and you and your spouse share a small apartment, you will know that you love each other, really love each other.

(At least until the zombie apocalypse, then you are on your own if the other decides your brains are tasty.)

Till next time.

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